Maybe I am not meant to sleep at night.

I wrestle with my brain each night.  I can even sometimes win.  Then, 1am rolls around and BAM! I’m wide awake.

I guess I should be thankful that tonight isn’t a result of weird dreams.

I am the master of weird dreams lately.

Last night’s weird dream was bizzaro.  Some friends and I went to a spa that was in the middle of nowhere on like a farm or a ranch or something.  We got a tour of the place, then were asked if we would volunteer to help in order to earn credits towards treatments.  The volunteer tasks were simple things.  Throw towels into hampers.  Sweep.  Vacuum.  Easy stuff.  They would also show us some of the treatments, if you will.  I use treatments loosely.  One was a water/meditation walk where at certain points you touched the water in the special spring.  There were your traditional hydration things – water consumption, teas, and moisturizers.  There was a full body scrub.  And a sauna, I think.  Regardless, the volunteer work was easy – and we seemed to flow easily between work and going through the spa treatments.

After a short time, we were invited to help my chiropractor with opening his spa practice.  A subset of my friends combined with some of the employees at this place were the invitees.  The dreams morphs from the rustic, hippie like location to a polished location.  I make coffee – because I am told that if we can make him a great cup of coffee, he would be happy.  I guess he couldn’t figure it out.  So, I made him good coffee.  He is happy – and it wasn’t bad.  Now here is where the odd happens.  Things morph again.  We are still in the place, but one of the women is found dead.  Police investigators arrive – and together we try to piece together what happened and where in order to find the who.  We realize (for whatever reason) she was on the roof sleeping in the early evening.  Up to the roof we go, and we find her boyfriend still asleep.  He is arrested for killing her.

But something isn’t right.  We decide it was the wrong guy – but find out he has been killed when we went to release him.  Next up was another person in the group – he must have killed her.  He is being all guilty acting – hiding out – etc.  So they go to arrest him but find him dead.  So the question becomes did he kill himself because he was the killer or is there another killer?

We are at an event – change of venue again – and one of the women from the group is speaking.  Suddenly, there is a huge noise – people scatters – and we discover another guy from the group hiding out on a platform in the trees.  It looks like it is a backfire – like he was trying to kill her – and instead killed him.  So , the investigators and I are now thinking we have figured out the murderer.  It was THAT guy – and he distracted us by killing the girl, then her boyfriend, then the other guy.  And while we are doing a wrap up – it hits me.  All of these dead people were victims – one of the investigators was the killer.  He does this great monolog where he admits he tricked up, threatens to kill us too since everyone who discovered him was now dead, but in the end, he is the one killed.

The end.

Like I said -WTF??

I won’t pretend I understand this dream.  I have gone through different elements – images – within the dream and looked it up via a dream dictionary online.  And it all points to one thing – change.  Specifically, personal change.

Which fits because of two things. The first is a huge epiphany I had on Sunday which resulted in a larger one on Monday. Basically, it’s about how situations in my life over the past few years have changed me into a person I’m not happy to be.  I went from having good, healthy habits to crappy ones that I am not happy with.  And, I got there because I was trained to evolve (or devolve) to that person.  I wrote a huge thing that I may or may not share here.  I’m not sure yet.

Then, the second thing – G sent me my horrorscope.  Now given what I just called it, that should give you an idea of how much value I place in it.  However, given epiphany #1, seeing this:

What don’t you like? Get clear about that. What don’t you want to do? Make definitive decisions. What kind of person do you not want to become and what life do you never want to live? Resolve those questions with as much certainty as possible. Write it all down, preferably in the form of a contract with yourself. Sign the contract. This document will be your sacred promise, a declaration of the boundaries you won’t cross and the activities you won’t waste your time on and the desires that aren’t worthy of you. It will feed your freedom to know exactly what you like and what you want to accomplish and who you want to become. Halloween costume suggestion: the opposite of who you really are.

Wow!  Especially when you add in my dream – and it’s a triple wow.  The universe is trying to tell me something.  And that is “fix thy self”.

But, and here is the big BUTT – it would help if I could fucking sleep!  Sleep deprivation brings me the emotional fun of PMS without the PMS.  My emotions are just under the surface looking to explode out.  And they are not to be controlled.  The happy is extremely happy while the sad is extremely sad.  Like I said, all the fun of PMS without the hormones.  Oh joy.

I know that finding that Emmy that is buried inside me.  The Emmy that will ask for what she needs – but not in a way that is blackmailing someone or being a huge squeaky wheel just looking for attention.  The Emmy that tells people who are unhealthy to fuck off instead of making excuses as to why they should be given a chance even if I’m being shat on.  The Emmy that stands up for herself – speaks her mind and her heart – and doesn’t worry about what someone thinks.  But instead worries about what it would do if she didn’t do it – the boundaries that could be crossed, the permission she may be granting someone to treat her like crap, the impression that she tolerates bad behavior.  I need to stop apologizing for who I am when people can’t fucking handle it.  That’s their problem – not mine, as I am not unkind or uncaring.  It’s just this:

I know first – I need to heal my heart.  I’m not talking about the recent heartbreak.  I’m talking about all of the bullshit that has put cracks in it – and my soul – over the years.  I need to fix it.  I need to reinforce it.  And by finding that peace, I know things will come together.  Time to start being serious about tantra again.

And maybe that’s why I’m not sleeping – my mind is trying to write that contract to myself as my horrorscope suggests.

Whatever it is, until then, I will just be this: