I wonder sometimes if it will ever go away.
I have no interest in kink anymore.
I feel like it has been ruined. I feel like getting beaten would just make me cry.
And not in a good way.
I can’t do it.
I can’t do it without connection – the connection I once felt has spoiled me. Spoiled me to the point where to have pain without connection is just not what I’m looking for.
I don’t know.
All I know is that I regret one thing – that I rolled over so easily. That I curled into myself instead of calling him on the carpet as I would have done years ago.
I miss him like fucking mad.
I am trying so fucking hard not to feel worthless. Unworthy. But that’s so very hard when words don’t match actions. I trust him with so very much – my heart – my inner thoughts.
I can’t do it again.
So until then, I try to heal. I know what I need to do.
Until then, I try hard not to feel the ache.
But when its quiet, it’s all I feel.