The Ache…

I wonder sometimes if it will ever go away.

That ache.

That pain.

I have no interest in kink anymore.

I feel like it has been ruined. I feel like getting beaten would just make me cry.

And not in a good way.

I can’t do it.

I can’t do it without connection – the connection I once felt has spoiled me.  Spoiled me to the point where to have pain without connection is just not what I’m looking for.

I don’t know.

All I know is that I regret one thing – that I rolled over so easily.  That I curled into myself instead of calling him on the carpet as I would have done years ago.

I miss him like fucking mad.

I am trying so fucking hard not to feel worthless.  Unworthy.  But that’s so very hard when words don’t match actions.  I trust him with so very much – my heart – my inner thoughts.

I can’t do it again.

So until then, I try to heal. I know what I need to do.

Until then, I try hard not to feel the ache.

But when its quiet, it’s all I feel.

What do you think?