Depending on who you listen to, there is either a witch-hunt going on with a particular member of our kink community or a quest to save future women from consent violations that have lead to sexual assault and rape. I am really really struggling with staying out of this on-line debate, but with each post, it gets harder and harder.
I have experience with this man.
Once upon a time when I was a newbie in the community, I was dragged to a party with a friend who I trusted. Here, I was introduced to him.
I will hence forth refer to him as LR or the Labrador Retriever. While I hate using the breed associated with goodness and wishing to please whoever they meet, I find it is the best way to describe him. He is a Lab at age 1. Untrained. Super excited. Going where he shouldn’t – doing what he should – but damn is he happy about it and really just wants to please you.
LR made it immediately clear he wanted to play with me. “You have gorgeous eyes! OMG, I have to write a poem about you. I can do that right because you are so beautiful. We have to play. Do you like spankings? I want to give you a spanking unless you want more. But more could be hard because I’m not sure I’m up for it tonight – you know the ED and all. I’d eat your pussy though – if you’d let me. You have to let me. Please let me. My wife is over there if meeting her would make you feel more comfortable. We’ve been together a long time – and I used to be a devout Christian. I lost my virginity at 32. We have to play. A poem – I have to write one for you.”
Everything in quotation marks? Say that in once continuous sentence – no pauses – no nothing. Imagine that being said to you while the person stares at you intensely like he’s waiting for you to say “sure, let’s go”.
I should also mention that this was after introductions. LR meet Emmy, Emmy meet LR. Then he launches into this monolog. It was weird. It was intense. It was a flag for me because, damn, take a breath already. How about a “nice to meet you” before I get your life story? And why do I feel I’m in the middle of a negotiation I didn’t want to be in?
After he paused, I even said to him, “nice to meet you” in my smart ass way of trying to prove a point. Hey, it’s who I am. Plus, while I may be new to kink at this time, I was not new to open relationships as I had been a swinger for several years by this time. I was not young and dumb even if I looked young.
I declined his play and wandered back to my friend.
“Oh, yeah, he’s like that but harmless” was her response.
I’m a people watcher, and what I saw was a guy without any social graces. He could not read discomfort. He could not take social cues. And, as I watched him openly hitting on another friend’s date including pulling her onto his lap, I knew what I needed to know. He was a dog that needed his nose whacked.
Towards the end of the night, he approached me again asking if I wanted a spanking.
I was riled up. I really wanted some impact play. So I said yes.
I was not coerced or anything – I just said yes because it was a means to getting my end what it wanted. I told him what I wanted, what was in bounds, what was not. No sex. No sexual contact. Simple over-the-knee spanking. Hands off the rest of me.
He agreed, we found a place, and the spanking began.
Honestly, it was an OK spanking. Nothing special – and as a heavy bottom, I needed a harder spanking. He started really getting into it, shifted me around, and in doing so, his hand found a nipple.
No that was not in bounds of acceptable.
I was far from being in subspace or high on endorphins, and I realized that this nipple squeeze actually was making the spanking better – so I let it go. I admittedly gave consent in the moment which given my state of mind, I felt find doing.
The spanking wrapped up, and as I sat on the bed, LR started babbling.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry – I grabbed your nipple but it seemed right in the moment. I know we talked about it being off-limits. I just couldn’t help myself. I don’t normally do that. I’m sorry. Your ass was so much fun to spank. We should play again. Are you going to XYZ party? If so, we have to play again – you are a lot of fun to play with. I really need to write a poem for you – you’re so beautiful. And a lot of fun, I had fun – and I could tell you did too. I can show you a lot of things if you want ……” and he went on and on and on.
I finally interrupted him, thanked him for the spanking, told him we’d see about the party, and went to find my friend.
I never have played with the man again, honestly, over the nipple thing. I mean, what if it was more of a violation – what if it was something I did not consent to even in the moment – he never gave me a chance to say or react to anything. If that basic of communication isn’t there, why would I go further.
I remember talking to a couple of different friends who had been in the local scene different lengths of time about the situation. Both knew LR and I had played, so asked how it went. I commented about his rambling and never really waiting for me to say anything which felt like a flag to me. I talked about how our play had taken a turn that had been previously excluded from the play. “He’s harmless” was what I was told. “He’s like any other Dom or Top who wants to be the first to get the cute new girl in the scene.” “He is just excited by the scene and eager to show people it – people take it wrong.” “He’s a nice, safe guy.”
As time went on, I noticed this trend over and over and over again. I wondered why people saw him as “nice and harmless” until I noticed his behavior. It changed based on who LR was talking to.
If you were seen by him as a community leader, he would dial it back. He would say the right things. He would, in summary, submit to that person, listen to what they said, come across as helpful and complimentary, and would even quote back to the person things they had taught him.
If you were a newbie or someone he had his sights set on connecting with, LR would go back to being that little kid who wants that toy and was not going to take “no” for an answer. If you were not in that leadership role and gave him feedback about his behavior, he would brush it off as just someone who is jealous or someone who doesn’t understand him or someone who doesn’t have the right communication skills to deal with things properly. That last one has been interesting to watch as he has even gone as far as saying that someone would need to convince him that he has done something to them that is wrong. Forget the fact the person feels wronged – nope, they needed to sit down and convince him. Until that happened, they were wrong and he was the one wronged.
When people would call him out publicly, people who were friends of victims of his, he would go on a counter attack using all of the things people said about him as shields. “I’ve just got a big personality – I’m nice and I’m direct which makes me a target for those who don’t understand there are actually nice guys out there.” Even his writing about these things would go one for pages — and pages — and pages. Even in writing, LR wouldn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise.
I did once find someone who had been a long-time active member of the local kink scene who would have a physical reaction of distaste for LR if we saw him. After seeing it happen a few times, I asked him why. In short, he didn’t trust the guy. He didn’t trust he was taking care of the girls he would lay claim to. He didn’t like how he would come into a dungeon or into a party, and try to take it over so that things would happen that got him off. The girl he had with him was just a player expected to play along. He would describe meeting a newbie LR had brought as someone that yellow’d and red’d out on everything – but LR would keep pushing people to play with her and her to play with other people. It never sat well with him. He didn’t trust him. He didn’t like seeing what happened to these girls over time – he wondered how much of themselves they were giving up to be with LR. Did they have a voice over what was happening? “So if someone asked if he was safe….?” I started to ask him once. I didn’t even finish the sentence because this person told me absolutely not.
The other day, I posted on Twitter, Fetlife, and Facebook a link to an article on Captain Awkward’s site. I read it and it broke down the situation perfectly. How the creepy guy is creepy. The women start talking to the men in the group about how they are uncomfortable with creepy guy. In the letters, they talk about what was making them uncomfortable – things such as creepy guy flirting by saying “I masturbated to you last night”. The men who hear the complaints immediately start listing all of his good qualities, maybe even raising the issues that creepy guy has been going through lately, etc. The women are forced to shut up and deal with the discomfort – or drop out of their group. And meanwhile, creepy guy still goes forward with the crappy behavior without consequence; don’t want to make creepy guy sad or uncomfortable. And ultimately, you hope it doesn’t happen, but creepy guy sexually assaults or rapes someone.
I posted it because it reminds me of EXACTLY what happens with LR in the community.
The article could have been written about him.
So why I am writing this here versus where all of the community can see it?
Honestly, I think there is a bigger lesson here. About how to deal with these types in the community or social groups or whatever. I think there is a lesson that just because he looks like he’s the happy lab doesn’t mean he isn’t biting someone when no one is looking or pulling the trash all over the place.
Plus, this is my space. I feel like telling it in a public space would just give people permission to do what they always do….attack the person sharing their tale instead of listening.
Ultimately, honestly, if I would to post this on Fetlife, people would spend more time trying to shoot holes in what I”m saying that stepping back and assessing what they have been overlooking. Sadly, that is the world we seem to live in — someone makes you uncomfortable with their experience? Throw rocks at them for making you feel something you didn’t want.
I’m just hoping that people can learn something from this.
One Comment Add yours
Anyone who ever refers to themselves as a “Nice Guy” automatically raises all the red flags for me. I’d run like hell away from LR. I’m sorry the community seems to be having Geek Fallacy issues.