Ramblings of the Sleep Deprived

My phrase at work has been “we are all in a three legged race, and instead of trying to win with who we are tied to – we instead shove our partner thinking that is our competition and we all lose.”

Yeah, I think that sums that up nicely.

I am starting week 2 of insomnia.  Seems like between 1am and 4am are my awake hours.  I know I just need to process it all – I know that is why I’m awake – my brain needs to process consciously as well as subconsciously.  But between the dreams and the insomnia – I wonder when my body will take over and I’ll sleep.

I know what isn’t helping is simply the fact the energy in my life that balanced me – that brought me to a state of rest – is gone.  And it’s absence is extremely hard on me – harder than I ever would have imagined.  It’s funny how important that connection can be – that connection on multiple levels.  I guess that’s why I don’t sleep.  How can I sleep when I feel part of me is missing – when I feel I am out of whack.   I worry I’m broken.  Toss in the waves of sudden sadness that almost knock me over at times, and, well, yeah.  It’s funny how you can go from fine to barely hanging on in a moment.

But, as I mentioned, the upside to being awake at night is the fact I can take my girlie outside without it being a huge problem.  She is doing so freaking well.  Sure she is a puppy and has that energy, but she is so curious and eager to please and content.  Right now, G is sitting on the couch with her next to him, and Harry next to her – and his cat on his knee.  All of the things people were concerned given she is part pitbull – just goes to show you – training and socialization are the key factors.

I’ve been sending photos of her to my sister-in-law who is in early labor with my second niece.  She is a huge dog lover and is enjoying the photos.  I’m waiting for my brother to tell me to stop so they aren’t getting a puppy after the baby is born.  Which, to be honest, wouldn’t be a bad thing – they are up anyway.  Fingers crossed that tomorrow.

DJ got into her program today – the one she applied for, wrote essays for, and interviewed for.  It is, in short, a year long program where she will learn how to track animals, how to live in the forest with nothing, and building fires, building bows, and just basically living the life as a classic Ranger (think Lord of the Rings).  She is beyond stoked.  And what I love – she did it all on her own.  Even though it was hard at times, to watch her struggle with question being asked of her, I knew that as a parent I had to watch and let her succeed or fail.  Either way, I’ll have work to do.   I am quite proud of her for finding her own way as a middle school girl.  Her sense of self is awesome.  She has her moments, but her ability to articulate those parts that make her vulnerable to say aloud is what gives her strength and makes me respect the hell out of her.

In addition to her program, she is already rocking her year long project – an autobiographical comic book of her eight grade year.  I read her first entry – a 3-4 page trip.  I laughed my ass off as she captured a lunch-time conversation that involves her and her friend explaining to a boy the finer points of a anime porn about a man who fantasizes about an underage girl.  After I got done reading it, I looked at her and reminded her the rule is no porn browsing.  She laughed and reassured me she had not seen the anime porn, just saw people’s reactions to it.  Yeah, she’s leaving the filter off.  But, I do like the intelligence she is showing.  The conversation she captured was a group who knows a lot about the subject but has drawn the correct conclusions about it.  Good stuff.  And it is definitely going to make people wonder what 8th grade girls really talk about.

Oh and while I’m on the subject of girls and conversations that are shocking…..we are a bunch of ignorant fucks in this country, aren’t we?  An Indian-American woman is chosen as Miss America and people go crazy calling her Arabian, associated with al qaeda, non-american, and other uniformed ignorant ass bullshit.    While I’m not a huge fan of pageants, the fact I’m drawn to it because of the ignorant bullshit is killing me.  As I told Derek earlier, I’m waiting for someone to accuse her of being Mexican and in the country illegally because, you know, they are brown, she is brown….must be the same race, right?  Lord am I embarrassed by my fellow countrymen.  And these are the same people that vote.  Really?  Ugh.


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