Assignment: Write a letter to a business

G was chatting with me the other day after school when he was telling me about an assignment he gave his kids.

“Write a letter to a business complimenting them on the services you received.  You may write to Jamba Juice, Ted’s Body Parts, or Tammy’s Eyelash and Cat Emporium.”

My first response was “that’s risky given you just gave it to a group of teens”.  I knew right where DJ and her friends would go with that.  But he didn’t believe me, so I gave him examples I could see DJ come up with.

Dear Ted,
 I must say that I always wanted to have a penis, but people said it would be hard to find someone knowledgeable in finding the right one for me and my body type. I found you penile expert to be one of a kind! His expertise helped me select the perfect one. I have since been able to fulfill my dream of becoming a hermaphrodite. Kudos to you Ted and to Gay Andy for his help!
(I should mention that Gay Andy is a name stolen from a TV show. )
Then I followed it up with this:
Dear Ted,
Gay Andy is a rockstar! You should promote him to the store manager  for his body parts expertise. We found the perfect penis for me to add to my forehead. Now I can be a unicorn! Like I’ve always wanted to be!
Love, Charlie
(As in this Charlie…)
By this point, G is laughing hysterically.

Dear Tammy,

They always say that pets often look like their owners, or visa versa. But I have never been able to find a cat that screams “ME” until I visited your Eyelash and Cat Emporium.
Your selection of cats was fabulous, and I found a perfect Tonkinese cat to compliment myself.  Josephina was brilliant when she reminded me of the options I had to help ensure that the cat resembled the owner.
By adding the feather eyelashes to my sweet Shiva, I now have a cat that compliments my style.  I cannot wait to take her on stage with me as I perform!
Much love,
Manila Luzon, Drag Queen to the Stars!
Later, I read them to DJ who almost fell out of her chair laughing. And, for the record, she agreed.  It is something she and her friends would have written.  At least for each other – granted, she would have handed it in to her dad.
“Yeah, I’m your kid” was her comment after she stopped laughing – again, my apologies to the world now. There is another version of me in the world. Bwahaha!

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