There are some days I feel the loss more than others.
I know it is when I am tired. When I am sick of explaining myself. It is when I just need someone to-be.
He was good at letting me be.
It is hard.
It is hard because I know what I need – I know what I cannot get – and I see others getting it, so I cannot help but reflect on the whole situation.
G asked me if I had any plans this weekend.
And, while he never meant it, I felt the knife drive into my heart.
“Why would you think I had plans?” I ask.
He gave me a variety of reasons. They were all shallow, bullshit, and lonely.
I just did not reply.
How can I explain my reality?
How can I explain that I need X but cannot expect X?
So, in the end, I said,”whatever”.
Whatever is all I have.
I don’t deserve more.
I have no hope that I will find – once again – what I need.