Yeah – Whatever.

There are some days I feel the loss more than others.

I know it is when I am tired. When I am sick of explaining myself. It is when I just need someone to-be.

He was good at letting me be.

It is hard.

It is hard because I know what I need – I know what I cannot get – and I see others getting it, so I cannot help but reflect on the whole situation.

G asked me if I had any plans this weekend.

And, while he never meant it, I felt the knife drive into my heart.

“Why would you think I had plans?” I ask.

He gave me a variety of reasons.  They were all shallow, bullshit, and lonely.

I just did not reply.

How can I explain my reality?

How can I explain that I need X but cannot expect X?

So, in the end, I said,”whatever”.

Whatever is all I have.

I don’t deserve more.

Yeah……whatever….

I have no hope that I will find – once again  – what I need.

What do you think?

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