Still Bleeding

I sold a piece of art.

I gave her a friend discount for it.

I met her for a late lunch.

And pretty much regretted every moment after it.

“I was warned about you,” she commented.

I took a deep breath, then responded with  “oh she’s still doing that?”

“You know?”

Uhm, yeah, I know.  “She warned you, huh?”

My friend confirmed.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!? I thought in my head. “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said aloud.

All the while, I’m wishing to flee.  I mean, I’m now having lunch with someone who knows me but clearly believes the bullshit. Or is looking to gather shit about me to pass along.  Either way, I’m screwed.

I came into the kink community about 6 years ago (or a bit more).  I had been a swinger who kept finding guys who were kinky in the swinger community.  One of them dated a person who played with G whose husband was going to move to our area.  I got connected with him to be a kinky, professional resource.  After a bit of back and forth, we played on occasion.

One night, I was supposed to go to a kink party with him, his wife, G and a mutual friend who he was dating.  I chose to stay back because honestly, I knew he and my friend hew as dating were in a rocky place.  I did not want to be his fall back if things went bad.

And things went bad.

And when they went bad, this guy ran to a friend of my friends.  I remember this because she called me and was like “you won’t believe it – my friend didn’t support me but hooked up with the guy was ending shit with.”

I was happy I did not go.

But was like “what the fuck?!?”

Your friend gets dumped and has a bad night – and instead of supporting her, you hook up with her ex??

From that night on, I knew about this person he was seeing. I knew when they had dates. Hell, sometimes I knew what happened on their dates.  My play partner communicated with me this info.  What I learned later – after he dragged me to a munch – is that he did not communicate this info to HER.

When she pushed things, he ended things.  He was not willing to give up his other partners – his other playmates.  That was not my decision – it was his.  Yet since then?

All that happened between them is my fault.

There is another woman in the mix that has been then a LOT longer than me – but she was absolved.  All that happened w/ their break up was my fault.  Even when I learned after that he broke up with her.

The first time I went to a munch where she was present? My friends commented how she went out of her way to keep them away from me. WHAT??!?

And while they were amused by it, I was not. I was remembering what a friend told me which was “if she doesn’t like  you, she will dedicate herself to destroying you.”

That’s what I’m experiencing.

She is out to destroy me – even six years later.

So I’m met with this shit- then I am told “well SB told me X, so ….”

Fuck me.

This is the equivalent of kicking me when I’m down.

“Well, I don’t want you to think SB is good too.”

Then she launches into her accusations.

Took all of me not to say “yeah, that may be your take, but that is not SB.” So I gave her a different version.

“He’s emo these days – he just needs to get over it.  We all talk about that.”

Emo? He is in pain? And he is supposed to toss me aside and just get over it?  Yeah that’s what I thought and felt.  I felt I’m not worth the emo – I’m not worth the emo. Just move along already. That’s what this person told me anyway.

Gee – thanks.

I have felt like my heart was yanked out and handed to me – but that’s MY fault.


What did I learn?

That all that is happening to me is my fault.

It doesn’t matter that someone did not communicate with US – all that matters is how the other people think of me.

That despite my broken heart, it is stupid and my fault.  Thank you for boiling down my love for him to something meaningless. Really. I get it – you think I was a place holder. You think that I’m not really worth it – so SB, get over me already.  Fuck the intimacy we felt.

I think what really sucks about this whole thing is that I don’t have a path forward that isn’t full of landmines and blame and rejections.  It doesn’t matter what really happened.  I am the bad guy. I am the one to blame. I am the one to be shunned. Still and always.

……just tear that scab off of of my heart…..

Because to believe I still don’t feel after the end of a 3.5 year relationship is just fucking ignorant….

But who knows – I’ve learned that maybe it is only me who is bleeding….

What do you think?

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