There is something meditative about sewing. The repetitive nature. The following the line of pins. The sound of thread and needle into the fabric.
Just like meditation, thoughts start drifting in and out of your head. Some of those thoughts you just let float by while others, well, others make you stop and contemplate for a moment.
One of the thoughts that gave me pause today was about play partners, partners, etc and touching.
Touching, you may think, why touching?
During my date last night, I asked an innocent question that had a telling answer.
“Are you a touchy person meaning you like being touched and like touching?”
That may seem like an odd question, but I have learned over the years that some people just are not touchy people. They hug out of obligation more than desire. They are awkward when they are touching – almost like they are asking “is this enough? can I be done now?” And overall, their energy just screams to me that they are not comfortable with it.
I got the weird energy vibe last night.
So me being me – I asked.
And he took a long pause…..like a couple of minute pause before he answered.
“Well, yeah…..I think so….uhm, sometimes – I mean, yeah – why do you ask?”
That – THAT was exactly why I asked. I was asking to validate the vibe I was getting. I told him simply that I ask because not all people are comfortable with certain types of physical contact. I have learned to not assume but to ask. “Oh.”
He then started talking about intimacy – kissing is too intimate for him – touching can be too. But he’s trying to be better about it. “I mean, don’t you find those things intimate?” he asked.
“Well, energy is intimate – sometimes more intimate than kissing or sex. I’ve fucked and kissed people before without ever feeling a connection other than the moment. I’ve played with people and not done anything more where I’ve felt a greater connection than sex,” I responded.
He was skeptical.
So I tried to explain how when you are feeding off of someone’s energy – that their response is driving you to do more – is making you feel like you want more – and the more begets the more – that, to me leads to intimacy. You are feeling safe – feeling good – and sharing energy during the scene and after the scene. Those feelings – they drive you to want to do more with the person, to try more, to experience more. Sex? Kissing? Touching? Those can feel good too, but when energy isn’t as high, it’s like eating mediocre food. Sure it may give you a sense of satisfaction, but damn, it is not as good as that amazing meal that you really crave.
As I was sewing, I realized how telling that whole conversation was to me. That short, maybe, 5-minute conversation told me a lot about him. Made me realize that maybe that needs to be part of my negotiations with people in the future. Because I hate feeling like I’m in that weird limbo zone where I feel it would be appropriate to put my hand on him, for example, only to get that vibe telling me no.
I have been spoiled in the past with true connections – where nothing feels off limits in terms of physical connections. The physical connections just enhance it all.
Yeah, I miss that……