I decided when I get a job that I’m going to get a new tattoo – an octopus.
Last night, while watching the last episode of the Deadliest Catch filmed on the Oregon Coast – one of the boats found an octopus in their crab pot. I am always in awe of the octopus. The fluidity of their body – their strength – their ability to do the unexpected. It seems we underestimate them which is proven through the stories of their handlers in aquariums who talk about the octopus escaping.
I looked up the meaning of octopi in totems or as spirit animals. I found many of the same characteristics I felt they symbolized –
Yeah, I need an octopus tattoo. I am inspired.
I feel the past six months has tested my flexibility – my adaptability – my fluidity – as I adjust and move to find my space – find my path again. It has not been easy. To say it has been easy would be a lie. Emotionally I’ve had ups and downs. Recently I’ve been stressed. Emotions have been hard – on many levels.
But I keep trying to adapt – I keep trying to learn – I keep trying to find a new path.
Last night, I got my first order for a photograph. When I got it, I was alone with all in bed – and I cried in joy. I cried that someone had faith in me. I cried with possibility.
I cried because the person who bought it was unexpected – it was part of my family I never thought I’d have support from – yet it was some of the only support I’ve gotten so far.
This joy was on the heels of joy I had when I discovered an online magazine, who had asked if they could use a few of my photos, posted an article about the rugby game through my lens. It was a story – in a sense – about me.
“….and we hope that Emmy will continue to make a name for herself behind the camera.”
Today, I had coffee with a local artist who I have had some difference with. He wants to show at the gallery that I curate, and it has felt that his ego was going to be in the way of us working together. Today? All is good. In fact, when I told him my ideas from a show, he was blown away. He loved the idea – and told me he would support me 100% in my efforts. In the end, we left on the same page. We were bonded. We were truly understanding each other. I was pleasantly surprised. I had honestly worried we would not be in this place in the end – but in a much more negative one.
I came home to a kid who was exhausted by flying high from a great PSAT testing day. I got the photo ready for shipment. I started plotting out what I wanted to do next. I made dinner – a good dinner with what we had in the house. I celebrated that my taxes were done (with a refund) and my unemployment will kick in next week – and I exhaled.
The cleaning triggered me as I spoke about the other day.
Earlier today, someone commented about something I had posted on my Fetlife profile. I went to look, and I saw his face. Not just his face, that look he would get on his face when he looked at me. No one saw this but me. His guard down, the smile reaching his eyes – it was the way he always looked at me.
It has been a week of ups and down.
The downs also including the lack of support from my immediate family with my photography. While the smart-ass side of my family made comments that it was “cool” or “awesome” — my immediate family was silent. 100% silent. Even my in-laws loved what I was doing.
Up and down.
Such is life.
I’m trying to be an octopus.
My inner owl.
My owl represents change – wisdom – and the ability to see others.
But right now, I need the fluidity an octopus brings.