Almost 2 hours ago, I tried to go to sleep. I am tired. It made sense. The rest of the house is in bed, why not me?

Except, my brain has decided to keep me awake.

It had decided to keep me awake despite the beer and a bit of whiskey and the usual book I’ve read who-knows-how-many times. It has decided to keep me awake despite the warm bed and the snoring people and animals in the house.

So I finally decided to say “fuck it” and get up.  If my brain is awake, my body may as well follow.  It’s better for G who is trying to sleep and who has to get up at some God-awful hour tomorrow.  He doesn’t need me tossing and turning with a light on trying to read but knowing I don’t want to read – my brain needs more.

My brain needs more…..

…..sigh…..

When I was unemployed last time, I ran into this same issue.  My body was active all day and so was my brain – but my brain was not as active as it’s used to being.  It is not putting out fires. It is not figuring out solutions to problems.  It is not juggling 12 things at once when I know I need to only focus on a couple of things.  My brain is usually busier.

Today, I woke up. I laid in bed with the dog laying on one of my legs.  I read a bit. I contemplated coffee. I contemplated more sleep. I finally got up when coffee won, then I got dressed so I could run errands.  Errands – plural, but exactly 2 errands I had today.  I took paperwork to an accountant who may or may not have the tax forms ready for Friday.  Then I grabbed another cup of coffee at what was my usual Starbucks (and was happy I did not run into anyone I used to work with because, well, I just don’t want to deal with that crap). After the coffee, I walked around the block back to my car so I could go grocery shopping.  We were out of everything – shampoo, shaving cream, laundry detergent, dog food, people food –  so I got everything we needed for the week and came home.  I was done before noon.  To-do list done.  All the rest was now bonus.

I got a few bonus things done.  Things like lunch – a luxury I don’t often take these days given how late I’m having my coffee and such.  I made myself lunch just as the cat – DJ’s familiar as I call him – came down because he smelled tuna.  The door was open just a crack and he flung it open as though he was a person.  I turned around almost expected a person but no, it was the cat.  He came to my feet and demanded his tuna.  I’m a sucker.  I’m a sucker for a stray-turned-rescue who is so fucking funny – and I gave him some. Why yes, the word “SUCKER” is tattooed across my forehead.

After lunch, I played a bit of Lego Hobbit simply because it has hit the point where I have almost beat it – so now I have to beat it.  Plus, it drives Indigo nuts.  Then I ordered DJ a new phone.  Yay Gazelle.com — the site for parents to replace iPhones broken by teens who insist that they don’t need cases because, well, nothing will happen to their phones…….until they wash them, drop them, sit on them, squash them, or do whatever to result in a broken phone.  DJ has had her phone for over 18 months, so I bought her replacement.  Indigo is on phone #3 in less than 18 months.  I made her buy her own phone this time in hopes she will take care of this one.  We shall see.

Then I spoke with SB – and we made plans to go to our second favorite hangout at the coast – one with good beer – good coffee – and new-to-us landscape.  Good stuff.  Next week, Monday through Thursday, we will be there.  I so look forward to it for many reasons.

Then I spent the rest of my afternoon trying to figure out what I’m going to do with DJ.  DJ has decided I’m public-enemy-number-one or at least at times I am.  And it seems that when those times strike, others around me are implicated – others like SB.  I appreciate the fact she is trying to find her own way.  What I hate or strongly dislike is she is doing a number of things I do not like.  I preach and teach tolerance to my kids – find common ground – don’t reject people easily.  Yet she seems to be in that mode of “I don’t like the look you gave me when I said that, so you are a horrible person that I hate”.  When I warn her about being fixated about certain things, I get attitude like I don’t understand – like I’m part of the problem.  I chalk it up to her being a teen – and me being an experienced adult, but I don’t like the bleed over – the crazy ass over-the-top feminist bullshit that repels people instead of finding understanding among people.  And when I call her on it? I’m just wrong or, my favorite, oppressive.

I’ve hit a point where oppressive is an OK label for me.  I’m Moe.  I’m a parent who is trying to raise a kid who will be a functional adult.  I know what she considers oppressive, others consider open and liberal (for a lack of better words).  As G pointed out, she is rebelling against me just as I rebelled against my own mom.  In other words, karma is catching up..

I’m fine with that – but I’m not fine with it causing collateral damage among those I care about – those  I love.

Sigh.

Parenting.

I then emailed DJ’s taekwondo school because they said they needed something filled out for her 3rd degree black belt pre-test – a form I don’t have.  Oh and they want more money.  Everyone has told me in the past how expensive belts are as you go up the ranks.  When all is said and done, we will have spent close to $1000 for her 3rd degree black belt.  They sent me email saying they will be providing the testing uniforms for the final test.  I did not reply my true feelings which was that was the least they could do given how much money we have spent.  Honestly, I’d rather spend the $1000 towards her going to Korea to train with the 9th degree black belt again. In 5 days, she learned more than she has in years from this guy.  Old school vs Sport — that is the issue or the difference, rather.

So I got the form I need.  I made dinner.  I made the girls do dishes.  I chatted with a friend who, truth be told, only wants to chat when she is in the mood.  If I’m chatty and she is not, I get blown off.  If the opposite is true, she bombards me then gets pissy.  Whatever.  Nothing like small talk to round out a Monday.

Maybe I should have done some gardening today…..sigh….

My tantra teacher would say ‘feed that energy – negative or positive – to the earth who will take it and turn it into something positive and good.”  Given I’m still awake with no signs of sleeping? Maybe I should have done that.

Instead, I am sitting here in the dark, watching a bad 90s movies, and writing.  Ironically, I am watching a movie about two people who write each other……..and I relate to too much of what they are writing as they are writing things they wish they can share in real life but cannot.

Yeah – I feel that.

I try to fixate on tomorrow…..or later today when I receive my cable for my fancy photo printer  This will let me move the 100 lbs monstrosity to its final home in my office.

Then I can contemplate my gallery rules….or the rules for the gallery I curate for.  They are letting me set my own rules which is kinda awesome.  And I’m talking to another artist about doing something for out of town artists who may want to show at the gallery.  It will make me a bit of money long-term as long as I eat the upfront costs.  A business venture I’m contemplating.

And more on my mind.

In the past, I used to go to a party or make a play date and say “beat me”.  Beatings for me were a way to give up control – give up that time of fretting and handing it to someone else who can take control and reset my mind through pain and resetting my body.  I miss that.

So instead I will be up.  My brain will not cooperate in terms of letting my body rest.  G has joked that he should hit me on the head with a mallet…….he has part of it right though he is the wrong person for it.  Oh well ……it is what it is….

So instead I will be up – I will sip good Irish whiskey – I will watch stupid TV movies – and I will just try to be instead of forcing anything.

And I will hope that tomorrow……tomorrow, I will sleep.