My Kingdom For My Coat

Where the fuck was my coat?

I searched for it everywhere at this event. I needed it – I couldn’t find it.

Missing seemed to be this dream’s theme – but for some reason that fucking coat was my obsession.

I was at a huge event.  It was like a second kink event or something except larger, further reaching into all communities even attracting “vanillas”.  There was great entertainment of different kinds, amazing food, and alcohol to drink – good alcohol.  Everyone was dressed up – mingling – laughing – and the space was huge but divided into different spaces so it was at the same time intimate.

I kept losing the people I was there to be with – there to see.

I would have these great moments, go off to refill a drink, and *poof* – they were gone.  We were separated.  Then I’d wander around trying to find them again, mingle with others along the way. While we would get separated, I never felt like it was the end of the world – just more a statement about the size of the event – that it was easy to lose people.

I had good conversations – weird conversations – uncomfortable conversations.  And ironically, I kept losing my drink – or I’d get to the bar to find out they were out of everything with a suggestion to go elsewhere. Towards the end, I was starting to get annoyed – I was losing people, I seemed to be the only person who couldn’t get a drink after having one – and the conversations with people were starting to get tougher – necessary  but tougher.

I finally caught up with one of the people I was looking for – and the person was leaving – feeling done with the party.

That’s when the search for my coat took over. The event was done – tear down was happening as people were getting ready to leave – and they were moving stuff around.  The event space, I knew, was huge, but trying to find my coat while they were tearing down walls and making it larger – well, just reminded me how big it was.  I ran all over the place, at one point using a bike because they were loading things up in trucks, and I needed my damn coat.

I finally spotted it – high on a rack – just out of reach.  But I was climbing up it to get to do it.  I grabbed it but they had tied the coats together for transport.  Ironically, I had one thing on me of use – a pocket knife that allowed me to cut it loose.

When I woke, the search for the coat was still stuck in my head. What the fuck did that mean?!? Why was that important??

To see or wear a coat in your dream symbolizes your protectiveness and defensive persona.

Putting that in the context of the rest of the dreams – the weird conversations, the tough ones, all the people I was interacting with – it really was no surprise, I guess, that I was obsessed with finding my coat.  I needed my layer of protection.  I was clearly feeling too vulnerable in the dream….and, well, I’m not stupid, if I’m dreaming about it, I’m feeling it.

Brene Brown likes to point out that we often view vulnerability as a negative, as weakness.  Yet, when we talk about our most vulnerable moments in life, they are actually the times we are the most brave, the strongest, etc.  Yet, we are trained to not connect vulnerability with strength.

Having situations and people in my life that allow me those moments where I can walking in and take off my coat for a while is an amazing feeling.  Having that ability is freeing – it makes me feel stronger. But it scares the fuck out of me at times too.  It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel like I can truly do that again.  It scares me to lose that feeling again –  or to lose it without being able to find my coat.

In a couple of days, the family travels east for a family funeral.  Airplane rides and dealing with family members who are not easy to deal with has apparently made me want my coat again.

I guess maybe I should see that as a positive that I have to look so hard for it. It means I haven’t felt the need for it in a while.

On the flip side, the fact I want it – the fact I feel I need it – means I can be happy to take it off, but can’t lose it because – like a few times this week, I will need it.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

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