Ramblings of the Tired

When DJ got back from her weekend in the woods and rain, she was wiped out and stressed.  “I’m tired and have too much homework. None of the other freshman I do this with have the amount of homework that I have,” she said in frustration.  She goes to a school that is very academically focused.  They do not.  That is the key difference.  I shifted through the pile of papers on the table, “Well,” I said, “let’s see if this changes your mind.” I handed her the progress report we had gotten over the weekend while she was away.  I waited for her expression as she looked over the piece of paper because I knew she would be surprised.

“HOLY SHIT! Is this mine?!?”

“Yes, love – those are all of your A’s with a couple of B’s.  You got those because you are working your ass off. You deserved those because you are taking school seriously and want to do well.”

She handed the paper back to me, went upstairs, took a shower, and then appeared downstairs again, making a place next to G on the island in the kitchen.  “What are you doing,” I asked. “My homework – I have stuff to do, ” was her response.  I guess seeing her grades – seeing all of this hard work paying off, motivated her to keep going.  I’m extremely happy for her.  Because she has been working very hard – taking classes that most of her peers are leaving because they are “too hard”.   And she is making it work.  Love it!

And Indigo was in the same boat – good grades, that is.  Except for one class – nothing like a D in a class to get her attention.  “I need to figure that one out,” she commented.  Yes, kid, you do.  I know she will.  But as I explained to her on our photography outing – I view Middle School as her opportunity to figure this stuff out – this is her practice for when it counts.  Learn the lessons now so she can have success too.  She gets it.  We shall see how that changes and evolves.  I know it will – just as it did with DJ.  Hell, she got lots of experience bringing an F up to a B.  Needless to stay, her sister is getting the same experience.

I have had a pretty constant case of insomnia for the past 1 1/2 weeks.  I know part of it is that I don’t sleep well alone – I worry – I am on heightened alert.  So I barely sleep.  G was out of town – and, well, that’s where I was.  Then, there was just other things – thinking about work, thinking about life, wanting all to be well in my world.  So I did not sleep.  Hey, it is who I am.

Tonight, I’m taking some benadryl.  My allergies are not exactly 100% managed, so I figure it won’t hurt them.  Also, I need to sleep – poorly as that may be – I need it – bad.  Several times today, I was having great conversations with people – technical conversations, and I could feel myself swaying on my feet.  Yeah, not good.

Another one of my favorite cohorts is leaving.  The month of October has been bad for them.  First a woman left whom I have worked with off and on for the past 15 years.  She is responsible for getting me hired.  She saw my resume on someone’s desk, picked it up, and told them point blank that I was the one they needed to hire. She got fed up and left the department she was with – accounting.  Her underling, another woman I respected the crap out of, had a situation come up where her integrity was brought into question – and she drew a line.  A line that was easy to draw when the consulting company she let offered her a 40% raise to come back to them – and an extra 10 days of paid vacation.  Yeah, easy decision.  In a one-two punch, they both are gone.  The accounting group wants me to take over. Mainly because they trust me more than any other IT person.  Problems is? I’m in the process of getting moved out of IT.  I’m done – I cannot be in that group anymore.  The environment is toxic – and, well, I’m looking for less toxic, thank you very much.  The man I will be working for loves me.  That is not hyperbole.  I have helped him fix many issues – helped him get things on track when no one else could – and he is the closest thing to a peer that he has.  So he wants me, I want out – so it’s a good fit.  On Friday, he was going back and forth about a conflict he had with a meeting and a class he was supposed to be taking. I told him to take the class – put himself first for once – because the problems will be there when he is done – he won’t miss anything. But he will miss the class if he skips it.  He sent me a note saying that I always had the right words for him – the right advice – when he needed to hear it.  I didn’t know how to respond – fuck, I never know what to say to that.

It is why I want to work for him.  I worked two years only hearing fucked up criticism from my last boss – a boss who did nothing except let me handle it until he felt worthless and tried to fuck things up.  Yeah, no thank you – I don’t need that again.  His boss wanted to keep me but was offering me opportunities that were less challenging to the first PM jobs I ever had – 10 years ago.  Let me think – uhm, no thank you.  So, I’m off to a new challenge. I can only hope that I can be effective – influence to fix things – and get shit done.  Boy do they need that.  Though, maybe I should try to negotiate extra time off. Hmmm.

Over the weekend, G and I got the apartment pulled together.  Let me explain.  We live in a high school district for the worst performing high school in the area.  While DJ could thrive anywhere, we did not want her to be underwhelmed or forced to take community college classes to get the education she needed.  She’s a teenager – let her have that experience.  So, we have a place in the school district of one of the best high schools in our area.  On paper, that is where we live.  This past weekend, we got it setup for occupancy.  It has a bed (yay for knowing the owner of a mattress shop who gave us his personal discount – saving us $100 on a $400 mattress and box spring).  We also went to IKEA to get everything else we needed for it – pots, pans, glasses, wine glasses, towels, sheets, comforter, etc.  We are 99% of the way setup for the place.  Good stuff.  So now, we have a love nest for those times we want to take someone back to our place where the kids and dogs are not involved.  We also have a place for guests to stay – in a decent location too.  All good stuff.  It feels good to have it set up that way.  Family is happy -and we have a few items to make it snug – but as it stands, it’s all good.  I asked G what his parents would think if they found condoms in the place.  He said, “who cares – I could always tell them someone left them there.”  True.  I still think it would be funny.

Definitely also had one of those days where I was counting my blessings everywhere.  Feeling the love from G and from SB – happiness with the girls – and just overall contentment.  I don’t understand why sometimes I feel it more than other times – maybe it’s because I step outside of myself and look at the full situation and go “WTF aren’t you seeing – look at what you have?!?”  It’s easy to miss what is in front of your face – it is easy to worry instead of realizing what you have and focus on it instead.  I don’t know – I guess I look at where I was at a year ago – totally in pieces – totally second guessing a lot of things – and, well, I cannot help but simultaneously celebrate and never fucking want that again in my life.  I keep trying to remind myself to focus on the outcome – let the past go – and just be.   Not easy sometimes – see insomnia comment above – but I am determined.  I love and am loved – makes it that way.



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