I’ve started several posts about this topic but have never gone too far. Poly guilt is the topic. For me, poly guilt is defined as that feeling you have being poly with multiple partners and worrying you aren’t doing enough for any of them. That maybe you are selfish for having multiples – maybe even feeling like something is wrong with you for not, gasp, being normal.
When I do motivational mondays, I go through a lot of those types of typography quotes. Some are about love and finding that one true person for you to love forever. And when you find one, it’s like “ok, interesting” and you move along. But when ever fucking quote you find about love is around loving only one person, having only one true love in your life, and making it shameful to have more than one …..well, you start wondering….who is off? Me or them?
Because that’s the thing. I used to live in fear that my one true love (G) was it. That if he was gone, I would never find another. And that fear, well, that doesn’t do good things at times for the relationship. It makes you worry – makes you hold on too tightly – makes you compromise maybe in areas where you would normally not compromise. But it’s love! It’s expected. It’s what you do.
The problem is – compromise limits growth….and, well, how is that healthy?
And that’s the thing. I struggle with understanding how in one area of my life – as mom – my heart can grow depending on the number of children in my life. But in other areas where love is concerned, it is supposed to only be for one person. The norm makes me wonder – makes me worried – that something is wrong with me. That my logic is the issue – not what society is saying.
Because I feel this shame, I know I hold things back – not wanting to making those I love feel uncomfortable – like they are getting less than I have to give – like maybe I’m short changing them. I stop showing all of how I feel – for better or worse – because I worry about keeping everyone else whole.
All because my feelings – my heart -doesn’t fit into the societal norms of what love is supposed to be.
I spent more time than maybe I should worrying about those I love – worrying that I’m doing something wrong.
Some of this, I know, is my nature. It is who I am. A person who will always worry about the ones I love more than I worry about me. Yet, when you come across these nuggets of “wisdom” that repeatedly say things like “if you think you’ve fallen in love with two people, know that the second one is the one you truly love, because if you truly loved the first – there would never have been a second”…..well, you start wondering and questioning and examining.
Because the world is big on monogamy. It is revered and celebrated and held high above all else – especially marriage. And when you fall outside of that revered state…..well…..what does that mean?
And while I believe this ……sometimes social norms…..well, they can put a lot of weight onto a person.
So I feel guilt – and I worry – and I wish for a state whereby I can openly love two men – G and SB – and not have to hide it – not have to keep one to myself while celebrating the other. Because if I know how I feel – I also know how it must make them both feel ….
….and I hate that for those I love.