When Sleep Won’t Come

When sleep won’t come, I got up – and decided to try to empty some words from my brain and onto a page in hopes that it helps.

So here I sit in a dark living room with a shot glass of vodka to sip as I type on the computer – and be circled by cats who are saying “while you’re up, we could use some food, oh human servant.”  I’m ignoring them.

Life is a funny roller coaster sometimes.  Lessons are not always easy – and sometimes shit has to happen the way it happens in order for the true outcome to be seen – to be realized.  It is hard at the time you are going through said situation to see that as a possibility.  All you can see and feel is the pain and the angst  that you can’t see any light – you cannot hold onto hope of the ideal outcome because it’s scary – you don’t want to hurt more.

And then the universe puts people and things where they belong. And they are better – in ways you never realized they could be better. And you realize why you felt the way you did – because a part of you was missing – a part that once found makes the day a bit brighter, the colors a bit sharper, and things taste that much better.

Sure there may be dips and twists and turns yet – life is a fucking roller coaster, but you find it’s easier to go through those with someone who is going to scream with you, laugh with you, hold your hand, and say words you need to hear.

I guess one of the reasons I cannot sleep is because my heart is overflowing – I feel incredibly blessed.  Things with SB are beyond words sometimes – I think I described it today to him as ‘wow’ – the only word that could come to mind yet still cannot adequately describe things.  And while some have expressed their desire for me to tread cautiously, I remembered why that doesn’t work – I trust him too fucking much – I trust his word – I trust his actions – and I love him too fucking much, and he loves me the same: too much.  Plus, I know too much – bwahaha.  That last part is a joke because I am honored that I know too much – that he shares as much as he does because I know he chooses very few to be in his confidence.  I get that – and admire it.   And I love the fact that each and every time I need something – he seems to have the words for it.

Then I have G – the man who had drinks with me tonight – and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye and said “I am incredibly happy for you – that you are taking from life what you need.”  I had just expressed how despite the fact I know a situation could be different, in order to make it different would require a lot of heavy lifting on my end – and the fact I’ve decided to draw the line is both a good thing but a bad thing too as I am not one to just leave something laying there if I know I could fix it.  Hearing from him tonight about how great his adventures this weekend were.  Hearing about the hikes and the meals and having the campsite to themselves.  Then having him look at me and say “so much of this weekend would have frustrated the hell out of you – I realized that and also realize that we will figure out how to make my dream work without me trying to get you to sacrifice yourself along the way.”  A partner who gets it and me and doesn’t hold it against me.   Instead just wants me to be happy without compromise.

Two men in my life who complete me – I’m incredibly blessed.

Then I have the kids – one kid who was my partner in crime on Saturday helping me all over the place.  The other kid was just her usual self – holding down the fort when needed, keeping her sister entertained, being too responsible for her age.

And having a weekend where my kids got to spend time with SB.  Priceless – being curled up on the couch with him – and both kids on the other side of me chomping at popcorn, and interjecting with their own snark.  Hearing SB chuckle at their comments and tell me I’m in trouble with those two.  Definitely priceless.

And having someone to hold onto as we received the news that a light in our community was about to go out – a beautiful woman dying well before her time.  We both knew of her more than knew her – but both know her chosen family better – feeling their pain as they go through their own process of her dying and ultimately passing.  Happy she passed instead of living in a body that was so utterly broken – but feeling the pain they are going through because it is pain we have gone through ourselves.

And being acutely aware of some simple truths- love today because tomorrow is not a guarantee – and – we leave our mark on the world by loving people and being loved, plain and simple.  Funny how at the end of the day, we came back together because it was just time to cast aside the doubts, the cautions, the labels, and all – and just love each other – now – not tomorrow when shit is figured out – or when it’s “more perfect”.  The universe, the Gods, the higher powers, or whatever the fuck you want to call that force in the universe that is greater than us – well, it has a way of giving you that test over and over and over again until you learn the lesson – and I feel, at least for me, I have learned, at least the latest lesson.

It’s funny because I realized while I was out taking pictures that while I should check on a few people – a few situations that have been brewing in the lives of people I care about – I did not feel like calling. Not because I don’t care but because I’m just not in the mood.  I feel like in some regards it is the same song, different verse – and I decided today to not hear it because the song is just sounding like noise.

Because I like my own song happening in my life right now – I don’t need others adding their noise into it especially on days I feel I need to reflect on my own song – when I need to sink into the melody and feel it wash over me in appreciation for it.  Noise is not desired – it can be there, but it can be in the background too.  I don’t want to listen to it right now.

Funny how tonight I cannot blame my brain for keeping me awake.  I get to blame my heart.

But I should try to sleep once more.  The alarm goes off in 4 hours – and I plan to start week 8 of this 12 week exercise program off well.  Plus, I have to get a dress for a ball.  Nothing like some added inspiration to help push me along.

So I will crawl back into the bed with a Maggie-dog who steals all my covers, a snoring G, and two cats who will meow at me for food until they realize they are meowing at the human who is good at ignoring them.  And hopefully I will find sleep – and peace – and dreams to match the beautiful way my life is going.

Once more unto the breach….

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