Even that seems to be a poor description of what I felt tonight.
Yesterday, I tweeted this:
That is what I felt tonight.
I felt the positive energy coming from all kinds of people. The energy I needed to take a deep breath and go into a situation where I was unsure emotionally how I would do. It allowed me to put myself out there, vulnerability and all, and be me. Tonight, be the kinky me.
And it fucking rocked.
I am flying so high right now, I cannot adequately describe it.
I had my former playmate and still friend, Q, sending me energy – telling me I needed this night. Reminding me that I am a kinky girl who uses kink as a way to release. “You need this, Emmy – so I expect to hear you did this when I get back online” was his command to me. Still trying to Dom me from afar. Funny how much I realize now he was probably my Daddy before I knew I needed one – just without the moniker. “I know you can do this,” he wrote, ” and I will be thinking about you while I’m offline.” I felt it.
Or my sadistic friend who is going through a lot of shit right now. I could feel his energy was off when we met up tonight. But he dragged me to the table, and worked me over until he made me bleed. Damn blood on porous toys. But I would react to his hitting me with a rubber belt (about a 1/3 inch thick) with with a series of “fucks” – he would start chuckling, then I would start laughing hysterically to which he would respond with more laughter and swats, thus feeding the cycle. He pushed. He was evil. And he was giving me the love back that I have been giving him. “Thank you for sharing your love with me” …..best text I got this week from him. I knew it was getting it back tonight.
Then my friend TL….lord, I haven’t talked about TL for a while….he came in during the scene with his baby girl – and beelined to me when we were done. He gave me the biggest bear hug. In the middle of everything – everyone – he held me close – telling his baby girl that he could never be mean to me before….he knew I could take it, but couldn’t do it – I just tugged at his nice strings too much. To which I laughed my ass off reminding him of the clothespins and the nipple clamps and the insane ass fucking. “But I couldn’t hit you – I’m scared to for some reason.” A funny statement really. Then he told me I was helping him with is girl’s birthday wish – swats from some the most evil sadists. And I counted for his girl, joked with the boys, and kept making sure she was okay as she was subjecting her to some pretty insane pain. Then after, I helped him take care of her. He would hug me and tell me how much he missed me. How happy I was there, etc. And before I left tonight, he grabbed me, spun me around, dipped me deep like we were dancing and gave me a great smooch. “I’ve missed you, Emmy”…..wow….I forgot how much energy we used to share.
Then there was another friend who even though she couldn’t be there – she was there in spirit and encouragement. I only wish she would realize how many people she has in her court – or standing behind her too.
Then there was G who when I was fretting about what to wear, wrapped me in rope and sent me off with a “handle so they can hold you still”. Feeling the rope on my body reminded me that he was there – he was with me – and he knew I could get through all of this.
I am incredibly blessed. I had so many people come up and say how happy they were I was there – and give me some of the kindest words and sweetest hugs.
I may bitch about the bullshit that goes on in our community at times, but tonight, tonight they were wrapping me in such an amazing positive energy bubble that all I could do was be me – it was what they wanted, what they expected, and what they encouraged.
And I laughed. I sword. I moaned. I squirmed. I resisted calling my sadistic friend a fucker like I wanted to do. And even now, as I sit here typing, I can feel his love for me on my ass.
I won’t say there were not elements of tonight that were not hard on me. I am not “over it” as some would wish I were. But, as my friend Q reminded me, I can be me and work through it. Fuck, even in my euphoric state, I still have tears in my eyes. It will be that way for a while, I know. But what I also know is I am deeply loved. That there are people who are in my life who see how I am and love me for being me. And for that, I love them.
Now excuse me as I savor the fact that my ass is on fire.