I don’t deserve what I have.
I often look at my life – my stuff, the people in it, and I feel like I somehow bamboozled the universe into thinking I deserve what I have. I often feel like I’m greedy, like I’m selfish – that somehow I have too much while people have too little.
And in those moment, I feel like I should step away. I don’t want anyone to go without – to be hurt – to compromise. I want everyone to be happy. I want them to get exactly what they need. I want them to be whole.
I don’t know. I guess I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel I need anything I earned. I feel there are greater goods. Hell, I was given a reward for working, and my first inclination was to give it away. I am still going to give it away. I am arranging it now. While others will calculate what it is costing them, I calculate what I owe.
I remember when I was young. I wanted something – I was told I could get anything, and i picked what I wanted. I was told it was too much. I was told I could have anything but that. I was told that to have that was to force others to compromise. So, I decided to go without.
In the end, I got what I had asked. I got it. Hell, I still have it, if memory serves. Yet, I remember being torn. Between what I want vs what was right. In the end, I didn’t want anyone to compromise. No matter what it cost me. And while my parents got me what I wanted, I remember feeling guilt about it. I remember worrying about what it may have cost others.
I don’t know. I guess I will always worry more than the normal person. I will worry that I have too much. I will worry that I am not giving enough. I will worry that someone is going without when they shouldn’t. I will worry that I should be doing more.
It doesn’t matter if it is time, or money or stuff or whatever it is. I will worry. I will feel unworthy. I will want more for those I care about than I want for me.
I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel worthy.