Have you ever had one of those moment where you knew that this was the end? And despite how you framed the situation to yourself, you found yourself overcome by emotion?
Yeah – that.
Last night, I had a playdate with a partner who I’ve been play partners with for about 10 months. We connected at the cerebral level, did a scene, enjoyed ourselves, than did more scenes. We identified this new found relationship as play partners – which is a good summarization. He beats me – I get high off endorphins and he gets high off of the fact he can make me jump around. We are friends – friends who check in, know the basics about each other’s lives, and play together. It has never evolved beyond that.
I remember once someone called him my boyfriend – and that word didn’t feel right in my mouth – didn’t match what we had. I corrected them and made it very clear – we were friends, we had fun, but we were friends that had fun. There was nothing more.
I think there were times that it made me sad – that it would never be more. Not that I wanted more with him, per say, but just that it was only part of what I really wanted. And while he could push me at a mental level – something I love – we were just friends. And that was fine – most of the time.
He moves away in about a month. I’ve felt that over the past weeks he has started pulling away – focusing on his new life – at the new place – in a new part of the country. The joking around and flirting we would do is pretty much gone. His head is elsewhere – and that is fine. I really haven’t missed it much. It was always inconsistent. And that was fine.
During our playdate last night, he asked “what are you going to do when I’m gone?” And it struck me as odd. I never thought he would care as he never has expressed it in the past. He knew I scened with others – but that’s it. The first time he commented that I would need to find someone to beat me when he’s gone, I spoke without thinking saying “oh, I have people” because – well, I do. His response was odd. Then he commented again and again throughout the night.
At one point, he started whispering in my ear the things he really had wanted to do to me – things we had talked about but never got to. And it hit me – this was our good-bye. And as he’s forcing me to cum over and over again – I felt the tears well into my eyes. I realized his silence was distancing. I realized this was our last hurrah, so to speak. We both knew it – we just weren’t saying it.
While we never had a relationship that spanned much more than play fun, coffee and an occasional post-play drink – he is still someone I care about. He is a friend. The fact I won’t see him standing at the end of the bar at the monthly kink party will be odd. And while I know he will find trouble where he is going – and I am confident I will find trouble where I’m staying – I guess I realized, in that moment, that I was thankful to have him. That while things were exactly what either of us were looking for – we were friends who filled a partial gap that we each had. For him, I was someone he could beat regularly now that his wife cannot handle them (due to a illness). For me, he was someone I could call and ask for a beating. I would go along with some of is his ideas – and he enjoyed the fact I was game.
It was our good-bye. I am thankful I had my time with him. I enjoyed it. And I know I will find more of what I’m looking for in the future. Someone who can fill all of the gaps I have – not just one – something less one dimensional. I wish him happiness and peace.