I recall the first time my coach told me this:
“Your feeling will not be linear. They will go forward. They will go backward. They will go in circles – or so it seems. But they will go the direction they need to go. They are not linear.”
I didn’t believe her. I wanted to, instead, believe they would go forward only. They would go through a predictable process. I wanted to be Lisa Simpson – able to track the stages – clearly and without question. So hearing this made me feel good and bad. It made me feel good because my feelings were ok. They were not unexpected. But I still hated them – the bad.
You see, I learned something over the past several years of being open and poly – I have feelings.
I feel like those fake cans of peanuts – you pry the lid off and the snakes jump out at you. I am the can – and my feelings are the snakes.
And just like the analogy – the snakes are not easy to put back in the can.
I used to pride myself on keeping my emotions to me. I used pride myself that I could have these feelings but not feel anything. I could feel happy. But crying was reserved for sad times – death – not people who are alive.
Yet, I have discovered that crying is not reserved for death. It is for frustration – sadness in general – loss of what you love – what you care about – mourning of what isn’t or should have been – and just general anger that cannot manifest.
In short, crying was an easily accesible emotion – one I wanted to go away.
I feel too much some days. I feel when I am feeling neglected. I’m feeling when I’m feeling unheard. I’m feeling when I feel like I’m there only for others only.
It used to be – in the days where emotions were gone – that I would not feel so much. I would notice it but push it aside. I could focus on what was with someone else – but could put what I felt onto a shelf. Something to notice at a distance but not deal with.
Today, I have to deal with it.
And I hate it.
I hate what it makes me conclude – right or wrong. I hate wondering if what i am giving while never getting back. I wonder if I would be better off in the state of before.
But here is the thing – before I was not me. I was a person who people could not read. I was a person who no one got close to. I was a person that G knew but very few others did.
I was a good person to help but not a good person to know – because there was a wall.
By taking the wall away, I have experienced lots of things – but feelings are the worst.
Vulnerable is not weak. I know that now.
But knowing is half the battle.
Knowing is also painful. To know – and not know what to do.
To know – but feel like it is too much to ask to ask for what I need.
I am learning.
It is just slow.
It is not easy.
But the thing I remind myself is that it is something I would never trade.