It’s not like I woke up Saturday morning and thought, “Today is the day I’m going to buy my 12 year old daughter a plush testicle.”
It just sort of happened.
After her taekwondo testing (2nd level in 1st degree black belt), we headed to a shop her friend loves. It was her friend’s birthday, so she knew she could find something for her there.
I must admit it was a pretty cool shop. Neat bags. Funny t-shirts. And testicles.
Ok, so we didn’t find the testicles until our second sweep of the store. She was contemplating Labbits or some other odd thing for her friend. But she decided maybe we missed something.
The name “I heart guts” caught our eye.
“Look, you could get her a liver,” I said holding it up for her, “or intestines.”
This started our search through the pile of guts.
She grabbed the blue one, “Or I could get her a…” she paused to read the tag, then started giggling, “a testicle.”
We both at this point were giggling uncontrollably as she held it in her hand.
“My friend needs this…..she needs a testicle for her birthday,” DJ declared, “Come on, Moe, let me get her a testicle.”
Why not, I thought. It would be funny – and what 12 year old girl wouldn’t love a blue fuzzy testicle of her very own. I took a photo of it with my phone and sent it to G along with the note “We’re buying DJ’s friend a testicle for her birthday.”
His reply was that it was funny….until I sent my message: “I’m serious.”
I don’t even think I had to wait for his follow-up note of “Her mother would kill us – and I don’t need to deal with that at school.”
I explained to DJ that her dad had veto’d the testicle as a gift idea.
“Fine,” she said looking into my eyes with a puppy dog expressions, “Can I have the testicle?”
I couldn’t say no. My 12 year old daughter wanted a fuzzy blue stuffed testicle. How could I deny her the fun of it all.
We grabbed the testicle and the other gifts, I paid, and we left the store. As we walked back to the car, DJ started giggling “Moe bought me a testicle – it’s in my sack.” At this point the realization of what I had done hit me, and I laughed my ass off as well. I had bought my 12 year old daughter a testicle.
“I’m not sure which is more wrong. The fact I just bought that for you, or that I think its as funny as you do?”
“But, MOE, it’s a testicle!! How can it be wrong?!” she demanded. Then we both started laughing again.
We met G and Indigo for lunch after we left. DJ with her testicle next to her slice of pizza was more interested in the testicle and accompanying literature than her pizza. “DJ, leave your testicle alone and eat”, I commanded. This just led to more giggles.
“Which expression do you think Dad is going to give us when he sees the testicle, ” DJ wondered aloud. Oh, I was going to get the “really, you bought your daughter a testicle” look while I’m sure she was going to get the shaking of the head in disbelief look. Our wagers were both wrong as he saw the testicle and started laughing.
“What is that and why does it have a tentacle,” asked Indigo. We laughed and told her to never mind.
“I’m going to take it to sex ed this week and ask my teacher if this makes me a hermaphrodite since now I have a testicle too,” DJ mentioned between bites of pizza.
The testicle named Steve was a huge hit at the sleepover. The mom in question decided she wanted her own testicle. And the girls thought it was awesome. “I find stroking Steve strangely soothing” declared one of her friends before the testicle was taken away from her until she thought about what she was saying.
Probably the most awesome part of the testicle purchase? Realizing my 12 year old daughter is so self assured that she wanted to buy a testicle and show it to everyone – without an ounce of embarrassment. Either she is going to be well adjusted or have lots to talk about in therapy.
Regardless, my 12 year old daughter her her own testicle.