Friday, I tweeted the following:
Advice to people in open relationships: you can still cheat especially if you FUCKING LIE to both the spouse & other person.
People speculated why I was saying it. Now you get to hear the story.
Once upon a time, I was at a kink event where I heard “Hey, I know you”. The speaker of those words were the husband of a good friend of mine from college. Turns out they were just starting out in the kink scene, and we had just discovered we were both in the scene.
It was fun having someone I’ve known for almost 20 years understand all aspects of my life. I’ve known her husband for a bit less time, but not by much. But we all have talked about the trials and tribulations of being open, being kinky, being new, etc.
Time has marched on. Things have always been fun and flirty between us all. My friend made it clear to her husband that I was off limits. But as time went on, she gave the okay to do impact play with me. That’s it. He and I had scened a few times. It was fun. I won’t lie. And, to be honest, lines were being walked. Lines I held, but he was curious about crossing. I told him – very bluntly – that I was respectful of my friend’s wishes were this was concerned. What I wanted was not the issue. I would live if I didn’t get it. I would not sacrifice my 20 year friendship for what I want.
He started telling me how they were in negotiations – renegotiating the boundaries. Good. They are communicating. This is a positive. I knew, from her, that there were renegotiations in the works. Because I know she has a “don’t tell” policy where scenes and me are concerned, I was careful not to ask questions. This was between them – and I did not want anything I were to say to influence the work they needed to do.
He showed up the other night at the munch and told me they had renegotiated – things were in bounds that had not been before. He had no boundaries where I was concerned anymore. I interrogated him a bit more – not because I didn’t trust him, but because I knew she could “give in” to him where he was concerned – and I didn’t want to do anything if I sensed she was taking one for the team. He said the right things – and we played with fewer boundaries. I didn’t think much of it because, by this point, I had checked in and rechecked about 30 times. Like I said, I did this, not because I didn’t trust him, but because I wanted to make sure dialogs were happening, etc.
In hindsight, I should have pushed her boundaries a bit more – and asked her directly, even though she has not been comfortable with it in the past. Why?
Because he had been lying to me about this for a couple of weeks.
There had been no dialog.
There had been no permission.
There had been no removal of boundaries.
Everything – EVERYTHING – he had told me was a lie.
Friday morning, I ended up with a very beaten down guy and my friend in my living room. She said something to me that struck me right away as an indication that he had not been honest with her even in his omission. He had claimed, I learned, that he lied via omission.
Yeah that broke down when I looked at him and said, “So, clearly you didn’t tell her how many times I asked if she was okay with this because I was not going to sacrifice a 20 year friendship on this, did you?”
Apparently, idiot boy did not realize he was going to get smacked in the face with the facts. And, when I’m pissed, I’m not nice about it.
“You know what pisses me off most about this situation? Not that you did this to me, but you keep doing this to her. You are fucking selfish prick who cares more about himself than what he is doing to his wife – repeatedly.” Yeah. I said that.
I ripped him up one side and down the other. Then, when I realized I had missed my call from my dad about my mom who was in the ER, I asked if they would both excuse me because “my mom is in the ER, and to be honest, that is what I should be dealing with, not someone who manipulates people to get what he wants.” And I walked out of the room.
My friend is clearly upset. She is clear that she does not blame me. I’m glad for that, but I’m not happy because – as we both realized – he took away his confidant by doing this with me and not someone else. She can’t exactly ‘unload’ to me about this given that I’m the person involved. I spent a few hours with her – letting her think, giving her hugs, and encouraging her to figure out what she needs. “While doing nothing or leaving are the easy options, you must make sure you are doing the right thing for you by staying and demanding he fix it” was the advice I gave.
I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and not do anything. But then again, I guess I should be happy it was me. Why? Because he can’t lie his way out of it. She knows me – and if this had happened with others, she may have excused it somehow. Nope. Won’t happen in this case.
What a fucked up situation. And all involving someone, who to be honest, I had no reason not to trust as he had always been a good communicator.
I hate drama.