The lovely and beautiful Veronica at ASM commented the other day that “Never Pinch a Sadist” would make a great book title for an intro to BDSM book. What a great idea for a series of blog posts, I thought.
The first one will be something I spend time doing each and every month at the local sex club who hosts the BDSM kink party. I help the organizer by acting as a host for 90 min during the party. As a host, my job is to approach those who are alone, look scared, or are walking a line between what is right and wrong from a kinky perspective.
Swinging has one set of rules while BDSM has another set. So what do I tell them? I tell them this:
1. Do not touch. Not even a hand on the arm or shoulder. Do not do it. Doing it with the wrong person can get you tossed out of the party or worse – smacked in a bad way. Swingers are touchy creatures. They are out to find sex – find physical and mental connection. BDSM people vary with touchiness. For some, it is a statement of consent. If you are unwilling to ask their consent to touch, then you will be unwilling to ask for consent with other things. It is best to not touch.
2. Got a question about what is happening? Don’t ask it while it is happening. When people are scening in public, they are in a zone. The person dishing out the pain or whatever needs to pay attention to the person they are giving it. Also, there is a pattern – a rhythm – that happens between the players. Interruption is not only disrespectful, but it can ruin their scene. So, stay away. And when the scene ends? Don’t rush into that space immediately. Just because the spanking has ended, does not mean the scene is over. Post-scene care, known as after-care, is important. This is the time spent “coming back to reality” after the scene has ended. Don’t rush in with your questions – and NEVER enter the space without asking.
3. If you are going to talk, do not do it near people scening. Or do it quietly. And watch but don’t stare. Both can be distracting.
4. Do not expect to see sex. Kinksters don’t always have sex in public. And what they do isn’t necessarily part of a sex act. At least at that time, it may not be. While this is not universal, I usually advise the single guys there for the night that you should not expect to get laid. It isn’t unheard of, but it should not be expected. Sex is not what they do at parties.
5. If you want to try something, you have to be prepared to negotiate it. There will be questions about boundaries. There will questions like “how do you like your spanking – stingy or thuddy?” If someone is going to do something to you that could hurt you and put them in jail, they are going to make sure they have your full consent and adhere to it. Forget to mention nipple play as being okay, and nipple play won’t happen. Same goes for kissing. Or anything else.
6. Hearing “No” or “Stop” doesn’t alway mean stop or no, don’t do that. People get off on that – it’s a fetish for both sides. No need to worry. Only worry if you hear “yellow” or “red” and that doesn’t seem to be listened to. And in those cases, find someone walking around with a badge saying “DM” and tell them. A DM or dungeon master is in charge of safety. They make the call when to stop a scene. They are specially trained and will know when to intervene.
7. Screaming is just screaming. It doesn’t indicate something bad is happening. As I have written on my blog, I process pain with laughing, giggling, wiggling and swearing. Some people scream. It may sound bad, but it is likely not as bad as it sounds. For some, screaming is a good sound.
8. Don’t believe your ears. Scenes are usually just as psychological as they are physical. Hear that whip sound? The sound is there to fuck with the person getting hit. The whip when it sounds like that is not likely hitting the person. Some things sound worse than they are. Don’t let that scare you.
9. Safer sex is taken to a whole new level in the BDSM community. That is not an elitist statement. They are just used to protecting against things like blood. You will see people using gloves to touch genitals. You will see blow jobs given using condoms. You will hear negotiations include things like no fluids. It doesn’t mean someone in the scene has a disease. It just means everyone is trying to stay safe and also allow for everyone to play – even if they do have something.
10. Only do what you feel ready to do. If you are unsure, wait. If you are uncertain, ask questions. If you don’t know the person, ask around. But just because I’m kinky in my way, does not assume you are going to enjoy the same thing with the same people at the same pace. Don’t feel you have to do it all or try it all. Go at your own pace. Watch – and learn from that.
This is my usual schtick.
Do you have any questions? I’m a specially trained (not really) host to a night where things are introduced. Feel free to ask. I’m happy to answer.