Right is not always easy and easy is not always right.
I remember hearing that phrase for the first time in a parenting blog or something. I related to it because, well, at the time, I was doing hard things because it was right.
Who knew it would apply to polyamory as well.
I did the hardest thing in the world two weeks ago. I ended something with someone I care about and love very much. I believe in him. I believe he is more than the hard candy shell that surrounds him. But it wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t accept me as I was, but instead chose to judge me as he would others who are not me.
I was faced with a choice. Ride it out and be hurt – or just be done with it. After a long and hard conversation with both of us, I chose to be done. I needed to walk away completely. To sever it all. The hardest thing.
It isn’t what I wanted. It still is not what I want. But I felt I was between a rock and a hard place – which kind of hurt do I want? I still question ever day if what I chose was right. I miss him. I hurt. I ache. It is far from easy.
And poor G…..he tolerates it. He tries to understand. But the woman he loves – the woman he cares about – is hurting – and it is hard for him. He holds me. He wipes away the tears. He is protecting me – protecting me for the first time ever.
There isn’t one minute that goes by that I don’t wonder if what I did was right. I miss him. It has created a void that I did not expect. I have cried more tears than I would have imagined.
I try to go on – I really do. But I worry. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Neither choice was the choice I wanted to make. Neither was going to result in something I was going to be happy with. Did I make the right one? Which misery would have been the best?
I am still not sure.
All I know is that I hope I’m worth it. All I can do is hope I’m worth it.
All I know is that I can’t re-read parts of my blog. I there are days where I still remind myself to breath. And there have been lots of tears shed.
I lost one of my best friends.
I lost someone I thought knew me for who I am versus who they have had in the past.
I have lost a connection.
I have cried too many tears.
But I suspect that won’t end here.
And while I hope it gets easier, I fear it is forever gone.
I fear that I will put up walls and lose me.
I fear I made the wrong decision.
Maybe I should have feared this instead of what I was going through.