Hi. I’m a mess.
I have no insight.
I have no answers.
I have only one thing – fear of the uncertainty.
Fear that I will not get the job.
Fear that the last of the savings will go away…
And I will be flying without a safety net.
Fear that I will fail
At 38 years old.
For the first time.
There is a first time for everything.
I don’t deal well with fear.
I don’t deal well with things I cannot control.
I don’t deal well with …. well, failure.
And what I don’t really deal well with?
People around me who understand,
Who want to help
Who know I’m not doing well
And get pushy
And offer me support that I don’t usually need or expect,
But usually provide.
Layer in some PMS, and I’m just a big fucking mess.
Each time I find center
Find a way to cope,
I lose it.
Because of this damn fear.
I’m used to being the shoulder,
Not needing a shoulder.
Right now, I need a shoulder.
I need a hug.
I need someone to tell me it will be okay.
I need someone to tell me that tomorrow, the sun will still rise,
It will still shine.
And life will keep going regardless of what happens.
I need pushy.
I need a spanking.
I need a cuddle.
I need something to make me unwind.
I am trying to breathe.
Trying to hold onto the optimism of others.
But the fear – the worry –
It’s killing me.
I need to not be a cynic.
But it’s the last of my armor that remains.
I want to believe, but to do so is to make myself more vulnerable than ever.
Not sure I’m ready for that yet.
But ready or not, here I come.