“But if you try sometimes,
You just might find,
You get what you need.”
We sing that to the girls especially when they were younger and having a fit because they couldn’t have something they really wanted. Now they won’t do it because, well, they don’t want to hear the song. But mainly because they know we aren’t pushovers.
I have been reminded of this lately, not because the girls are requiring it be sung, but because I’m reminding myself that I can’t always get what I want. Whether it be the kind of work I want to do or some things in my personal life, it is just not happening lately.
And its frustrating the hell out of me.
Yeah, I know – welcome to life – but I have a few things working with me to achieve maximum frustration with this. The first is that I’m a control freak. I like things happening the way I like them happening. I don’t just control situations for my best interest, but I know how things should go – so why won’t they go that way damn it?!
But also, I like to control change – I like to be in the driver’s seat or at least be navigator if I can’t be at the wheel. Knowing that I have some level of control or at least input is a good feeling. Being in the back where I have to just see where we go is just, well, not a comfortable place for me to be.
I am one of these crazy people who believes that life does not just happen – it is what we make it to be. I believe that if you want something, you can have it. You just need to work your ass off to get it. You need to be brave enough to stand up and say what you want. You have to push aside the fear of failure and take a step into the scary unknown to see what happens. You have to keep your eye not at where you are, but towards where you want to go – then go.
With my job, I’m at a cross roads. And I may have been standing here too long. I’m realizing that now. I’m realizing my sphere of influence is limited. And I realized I got here by letting someone else take the lead. That realization annoys me.
In another area of my life, I have realized I am in a place I didn’t expect to find myself. I ventured into an area that I have no experience, thus is uncharted for me. While I am pretty surprised and happy with where I have landed, my inexperience with it is leaving me uncertain. As things evolve, I’m realizing I don’t know how solid the ground is. Is it a thin sheet of ice? Is it solid granite? Is it quick sand? To ask these things – to say them out loud – is not something I am comfortable with – a strange irony given I’ll usually ask anything that comes into my mind. I don’t want to scare or offend the natives, if you will. I don’t want the way I feel to go away – the happy.
So, what I want isn’t something I can get right now.
I find myself wondering if the universe (or the deity of your choice) is giving me what I need.
Do I need to be at the cross roads at work? Is this the celestial kick in the ass I need to get me going again? Or am I needing the change of pace?
Am I finding myself in this uncharted place because I need it? I need to work through the discomfort? I need to say things out loud without feeling like an idiot or worrying about offending someone? Is this my “just go with it” lesson?
I am trying, at this point, to stop and look at things from other angles – to figure out if I’m missing something – if I can improve my perspective from a different vantage point. Because being frustrated is interesting, but simply gets me more frustrated with myself which is loads of fun for the people close to me who have had to deal with me the past few days.
So as I start my Friday, I start it looking at things a different way. Trying to be okay being a passenger in the back – trying to enjoy the scenery and adventure. Trying to hold onto the happy feelings I have. Trying to reflect on the journey that got me to where I am in all areas because I know it isn’t always the destination that is the lesson but the journey.
Time to enjoy the journey again.