“Speak it into existence.”
It’s one of my dad’s phrases. It’s one he uses quite a bit in fact.
It is the only phrase I have never been able to grasp.
I have always been the pessimist. If I don’t speak it, I can’t want it that bad, right? And then, I won’t be too disappointed if I don’t get it. It’s the hope anyway.
But here’s the rub. I am disappointed if I don’t get it. I’m disappointed if things don’t go the way I want. I’m disappointed that I even have to say it. Stupid logic, I know – but it is what ends up happening each time.
Over the weekend, as G and I spoke about some things I had been thinking about, he asked, “what do you want? To quote your dad, speak them into existence for once.”
I gave him some bullshit logic. I know myself enough to know it was bullshit. Saying it out loud was like giving myself permission to hope. And if I hope, then I’ll be even that more disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Again, bullshit logic.
So, what do I want.
- To stop feeling pulled between friends who disagree.
- To feel wanted. To feel like people don’t just think about me, but actually take action to turn those words into meaning. No more talking about it – doing something.
- Friends who don’t just fit me into their schedule.
- Friends who are also playmates to figure out how to go between the two roles without awkwardness or leaving me wondering “WTF” sometimes.
- To not feel hidden away. Feeling hidden makes me feel like a backup plan and not sought after as words may indicate.
- To not have people make decisions for me – but actually ask the question instead of assuming the answer.
- To have guys ask if I need help before they seek to rescue this “girl”. I don’t need saving; I just might need a hand. And don’t give me the bullshit line about “that’s how guys are” because using the line “that’s how girls are” never works. Why should it work with you?
- To be considered as the person I am. Not to have action taken because I’m a girl or because others are like that. I want people to know me and react accordingly. Not cause me to react back before they realize who they are dealing with.
That’s what I want.
There. I’ve said it out loud.
Now to see if it actually comes into existence.