The word caused me to pause in our conversation.
The word had me looking to G to see his reaction was.
The word is what SG uses to describe me.
I know when he referred to me as his girlfriend the first time, my facial expressions gave me away. If I would guess, I would have probably had my ‘what the fuck?” sort of look on my face.
For me ‘girlfriend’ implies polyamory.
It implies some romance.
It implies a relationship.
While that last one is true, we DO have a relationship. Our relationship is simple. If one of us has free time, we call or text the other seeing if we can get together. Then we schedule a date. Our dates are rarely short – short being 3hrs – most are beyond that time. We have sleepovers every couple of months. And we have now been together for almost a year which implies a commitment of some sort.
We trust each other. Granted how we play means I really trust him as he ties me up with rope, horse hobbles, and other things that mean I have to trust he will stop on my word – or he will simply untie me when he is done. (Because there is no way I’m getting out of it on my own!)
And we do share affection. After a long session of rope and his other implements, he will untie me, smooth my hair, and curl up with me in the crook of his shoulder. He will cover me with a blanket. Stroke my face and body. And kiss my face periodically – in an affectionate manner. There is no passion – no eroticism – no anything but affection. It is as if he uses that affection to thank me for our time.
Sounds like more than a simple fuck, doesn’t it?
But, despite my analysis of the situation, despite I can see why he uses the term, that label was still tripping me up. It was the implied polyamory for me, I think.
“When SG called me his girlfriend, did it bother you?” I finally asked G one night.
“No, I liked it.”
He went onto explain that to him, the label, implied he was not viewing me as a simple fuck toy – but as a person he respected. And this gave G the confidence that our rough play would never result in going too far – never result in me having to push back. It also implied a level of commitment to the arrangement.
“I like that. I like knowing he is going to take good care of you.”
We talked a bit about the other aspects of the word. How it can be interpreted as other things by other people – again with the polyamory – a place neither of us had ever wanted or intended for the open relationship to go. Since none of us involved – G, SG, his wife or I – was going after that, I realized it was my own hangup.
What got me over the label hurdle, if you will, was the realization that it was not a bad word for describing us and what we have. It puts things in perspective and keeps them there. I am the person he plays with beside his wife, but his wife comes first – just as my husband comes first. We are a secondary relationship of sorts to our primary one.
It really implies nothing else.
It’s just a label.
8 Comments Add yours
Labels can have so many connotations, I’m glad that you have found a comfortable one for you. It can sometimes be easier not to name a relationship to avoid making it so concrete but if everyone’s happy with a label, no matter what that label is, then there’s no reason not to!
As a scientific/analytical type of guy, I love to label things. To identify what it is, put it in a box, and know that things of type a are dealt with thusly.
It’s been a struggle as an adult to AVOID doing this with people. Like Janie, I fear that too often people agree on a word but don’t necessarily agree on all the implications of that word.
But I understand that sometimes it’s necessary. We cant spend all our time explaining nuances of meaning now can we? When would we fuck!? This seems like an attempt to iron out those pitfalls, and if I know you at all, I know you won’t quietly let people assume incorrect meanings 😉
Janie – I tend to avoid labels myself, but find it is often hard to explain without one. Funny how adults work like that, isn’t it?
RLoTFC – You assume correctly. I’m pretty good at making sure everyone is clear on my position on the situation. Shy, I am not. Plus, like you, I want to make sure I have time to fuck 🙂
great post. And a conversation M and I have had recently. What to call Bella and Mr. Man, and what those terms mean. Glad to see, its not just us!!
The whole label thing is tricky, isn’t it?
I mean, with SG, I hate just calling him a playmate. He’s more than that to me. Yet, in the vanilla world, girlfriend or boyfriend means different things – bad things if you are married. And if you are open, it can also mean bad things.
I guess, for me, I just go back to one of my rules I posted a few months ago. You can love a playmate, you just can’t LOVE your playmate. In that sense, I guess he is my boyfriend. 🙂
AWWWW!!!! SG is your boyfriend!!! 🙂 And agreed, on many levels of what you said. Bella and I talk every day, and have a close vanilla relationship, and talk about just our lives. She cant just be just a playmate, and its ok to love her, not LOVE her. Its like you were listening to our conversation 🙂
Hmm…. While I dislike labels, if one of the two people I were dating were to refer to me as their ‘girlfriend’ it would seriously cause me to swoon….for weeks. I spend a significant amount of time with both and I desire a relationship similar to a bf/gf relationship.
But all of that aside, I love what G said. And I love that you have gotten to that point with him….
I thinks it’s sweet!