My range of emotions recently have been driving me crazy. Usually that happens when my rationalization of a situation conflicts with the emotion I’m feeling. It’s very funny how that conflict within me can create more.
Like I’ve been feeling rather melancholy after I realized the other day that a friend I’m used to having at least a weekly exchange with has been MIA for almost two weeks. The quick exchanges we usually have, have been even more abbreviated than usual – which is interesting given how I didn’t think they could. Realizing that made me melancholy because I miss him. It was like this realization made me miss him even more than I had. I’m not ready to lose him in my life. The thought does not sit well with me.
The logical side of me knows that he’s busy. The holidays and a relationship he is trying to nurture never makes it easy to find time for anything. I get that. My brain knows that. I just wish it would tell my heart that.
Or another friend who has had a weird relationship with G since he told her about his pet virus. I’m a bit disappointed in her reaction. How her words don’t match her actions. How her husband is fine to play with me, but she has all but severed all ties with him despite her promise that would not happen. Seeing how frustrated it has made him – seeing how it continues to annoy him as she pops in and out and continues her flightiness in terms of simple friendship without play bugs the hell out of me.
My head reminds me that she is probably freaked out yet. I get that more than she could ever know. I know she’s a busy lady – extremely busy – so her presence doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just still bugs me.
Or the conversation with my mom where she rants at me about how no one from her family ever calls or emails or talks to her unless they need something – and how frustrating it is. How ironic I find that they do the same thing to me – yet it apparently is only bad if it happens to her. How annoying it is to not have her ask about us, but instead tells me all about my niece and how cute it is when she throws a temper tantrum. And I get to hear about all 20 times it happens. How when I try to actually talk to her about some of the crap that is brewing with my bro, she blows me off and changes that subject.
My head knows she isn’t doing it on purpose. She is simply excited she gets to see a grandkid at that age. I know she probably does that to my siblings. I know that is how she is – with everyone. I know she never wants anyone to feel left out. I know she wants our family to be close – and she feels closest with me and G because we don’t judge she and my dad for their beliefs. My head knows that – then it reminds me too that I’m lucky she’s still around. I remember my friend whose mother just died a few days ago – unexpectedly. I remember how my dad was my age when he lost his mom. I try to have perspective. Some days it just works better than others.
And in between all of that crap, I remember the fun with friends – both the vanilla friends and the vanilla-fudge-swirl friends. I remember how great it is talking to my dad about my Jeep – how excited he sounds to come up and take a ride in it. How funny it is watching Indigo with her iPod on and headphones on – singing along to the song as though no one can hear. How DJ will go on and on and on about the weather patterns she is discovery with her weather station.
I find it funny how the good emotions – that stuff just is accepted by me. It is good stuff that gets filed away easily and recalled not so easily sometimes.
The not so good stuff – the the other emotions – I don’t like them so I don’t accept them. I try to rationalize, but it rarely works. Seems to just give them more time to stew inside my head.
I think I’d like some time where the stewing has stopped – some time where I can just be.
No more thinking.
Unless it’s happy thoughts.