Old Habits Die Hard

There are times when what you see with me is an act.  A well crafted guise for how I’m really feeling about the situation.  I can’t lie about how I feel about people. That, I have come to learn is true.  If I think you’re stupid, I will show you in my face.  No matter how hard I try, it comes straight through.

But, other things – I can totally put a facade that people don’t notice.  And it is exactly how I want it.

I know why I do it too. Not that it makes it any better, but I do it to try to protect me from, well, me. It is as though if I put up that guise, then maybe I will believe it.

Someone said to me once, put on a happy face because maybe then your feelings will catch up to that smile.  There is a clever phrase that goes along with it, but I can’t recall it. It just never struck a nerve for me in that way.

But, pretend you aren’t disappointed. That you don’t wish things had gone a different way. Or pretend the situation is just water off a ducks back.  That, I can do.  I am a master of it.

I’m also a master of holding back in certain ways because of it.

There are so many ways my thinking has changed in the past year.
So many ways, I feel I have gotten better as a person.
Gotten more comfortable in my skin.

But, for some reason, I can’t get comfortable with certain feelings.  I resort back to old habits. Old ways of protecting my heart from me.

For the life of me, I can’t bring myself to say “I’m disappointed. I was really hope it could be different.”

Instead, I say “It’s okay. No big deal.”

And while it isn’t really that big of a deal, it isn’t without emotion on my part.

I guess I hope if I pretend to feel nothing, I will actually feel nothing.

The problem is – it never works that way.

Maybe one day, I’ll figure it out.
Until then, I’ll be over here being “fine”.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The family is off to San Diego for the weekend. G’s grandma turns 97 years old.  Given my uncertainty about work schedules, I figured it was best to stay behind.

Friday night, I have company. The rest of the weekend is wide open. I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do with myself. I do have a few things I need to get done this weekend, so I’ll tackle them.  It’s been so long since I’ve had a weekend to myself, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  Hmmm…..

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Osbasso says:

    I’d come visit, but my weekend is full up… Any chance she could postpone her bday to next weekend? 😛

  2. waywardrider says:

    Like you, I tend to be bad at hiding what I think, yet often find myself saying “no worries, it’s okay”.

    I think the phrase you MAY be searching for is ‘fake it till ya make it’, which is intended for business, but still applies. Not sure I agree with it either, but it seems to have been working for me thus far 😉

  3. Advizor54 says:

    I’m actively trying to stop saying “It’s fine” when it is not. I’m trying to have more little bits of uncomfortable conversation instead of really big one’s in our Pastor’s office or while quietly arguing after the kids are in bed.

    Most of the time life’ little frustrations are just that, little, and out of our control. But when it’s between lovers, friends, or spouses, we have to get over being “fine” and start being honest.

    And, cause I have to ask? Who is “company” on Friday night?

  4. I can be the same way…..

    but then sometimes, not very often, i explode with all the “its not ok”s all at once and wow….pity the person who gets to hear it, is all i can say.

  5. Just me... says:

    Sounds like we all learned that, regardless of who asks, the proper response to “How are you?” is “I’m fine.”
    Wouldn’t it be lovely for one day just to answer completely honestly? Well, except for the fact that we’d all be fired.. :):):)

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