There are times when what you see with me is an act. A well crafted guise for how I’m really feeling about the situation. I can’t lie about how I feel about people. That, I have come to learn is true. If I think you’re stupid, I will show you in my face. No matter how hard I try, it comes straight through.
But, other things – I can totally put a facade that people don’t notice. And it is exactly how I want it.
I know why I do it too. Not that it makes it any better, but I do it to try to protect me from, well, me. It is as though if I put up that guise, then maybe I will believe it.
Someone said to me once, put on a happy face because maybe then your feelings will catch up to that smile. There is a clever phrase that goes along with it, but I can’t recall it. It just never struck a nerve for me in that way.
But, pretend you aren’t disappointed. That you don’t wish things had gone a different way. Or pretend the situation is just water off a ducks back. That, I can do. I am a master of it.
I’m also a master of holding back in certain ways because of it.
There are so many ways my thinking has changed in the past year.
So many ways, I feel I have gotten better as a person.
Gotten more comfortable in my skin.
But, for some reason, I can’t get comfortable with certain feelings. I resort back to old habits. Old ways of protecting my heart from me.
For the life of me, I can’t bring myself to say “I’m disappointed. I was really hope it could be different.”
Instead, I say “It’s okay. No big deal.”
And while it isn’t really that big of a deal, it isn’t without emotion on my part.
I guess I hope if I pretend to feel nothing, I will actually feel nothing.
The problem is – it never works that way.
Maybe one day, I’ll figure it out.
Until then, I’ll be over here being “fine”.
The family is off to San Diego for the weekend. G’s grandma turns 97 years old. Given my uncertainty about work schedules, I figured it was best to stay behind.
Friday night, I have company. The rest of the weekend is wide open. I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do with myself. I do have a few things I need to get done this weekend, so I’ll tackle them. It’s been so long since I’ve had a weekend to myself, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Hmmm…..