God, I am such a bitch sometimes.
I would love to have excuses for it. I would love to claim it is because I’m a Taurus born in the year of the Ox making me stubborn when I set my mind to it. I would love to claim it is because I’m a broken hearted idealist who is intolerant of people who aren’t doing things right.
But here is the reality:
I’m good at hurting those closest to me.
I’m good at expecting those around me to act a particular way & give me what I need without asking for it.
I’m not good at communicating clearly to those I care about what I need.
I would love to offer excuses, but I do this to myself.
I choose to misunderstand.
I choose to overreact.
I choose to let being upset override my intelligence.
I choose to explode and deal with the aftermath, well, after.
As I get older, I try not to do it. I try to be more self-aware of how I am – to protect those around me, but I’m not always able to do it.
It’s funny how I get paid for my communication style. I get paid for my ability to separate the emotion from the problem, then solve the problem. It’s funny how I can squash my emotions while I react rationally at work.
I often wonder if that is why I am so easy to explode. I’m too busy taking care of things that I forget to take care of myself. Instead, I expect others to do it without a word from me. And, I make the classic mistake of shoving people away at times when I need to be pulling them close instead. I find it easier to be angry – than to talk about feelings.
In short, I am my own worst enemy.