Breaking a Pattern

G and I were talking the other night about where we were at a year again. I was looking for a picture for the day – a subject that was photo-worthy when he suggested I look at my picture from a year ago and recreate it.  Great, I thought. That could be fun. I opened up Blogger’s dashboard and looked at my picture from that day in 2009.  It was the weekend our female playmate, G and me spent together. A great weekend – lots of fun – all together in one bed.

We had planned on how we would dress for G. We relaxed and had some lazy play, then we would play more intensely. We always had a lot of fun when the three of us played together.  And that was a great weekend – and a great memory – and not one I could, sadly, capture again.

We had a falling out with her roughly three months later. All over a guy – if you boil everything right down to a simple summary. For me personally, it was less about the fact he and I had something she wanted but didn’t have –  a great friendship we still have today – but more about feeling pushed away. I had tried to be understanding. I had tried not to rub her nose in anything. I had tried to forgive, but she kept saying goodbye – and the last time, I accepted it and stopped trying.

G was removed enough he stayed in touch. He checked in with her occasionally to see how she was.  On a logical level, we both knew what was really happening – and we both knew she needed a friend – we didn’t want her to feel alone.  Sadly, he was in a better position to give her that support than I was. I was hurt. I was saddened that this was someone I liked – outside of the bedroom – who I enjoyed being friends with – who pushed me away and was gone.

I have good self confidence. One would think I could have pushed aside that stuff and been more persistent. But I also know when to back off. I know when to let go or cut bait, if you will. So I did. I felt like I was a casualty, of sorts. And while I was happy – and am happy – that I retained a friendship with one person, I never liked how it was either/or.  I didn’t like what that did for him who tried with her even after she and I had our falling out. I know it created stress. There was a real 

Several months ago, she and G started reestablishing a more real friendship. She actually met with him and apologized. When he expressed interest in learning some rope skills for the bedroom, she invited him to join her at a rope class she attended. Before they got there, they met for coffee and talked face to face for the first time in about 6 months. She apologized, attempted to explain where she was coming from, and reassured him where she was at.  She also expressed her desire to repeat this with me – who she felt she really owed an apology to.

I declined.

I had moved on. And to be honest, I did not feel I needed or wanted an apology. I did not want to go revisit the past.  I really didn’t want to go there.  I wasn’t sure I could do it again. I did like her. I did have fun with her (both in and out of bed). I just didn’t know if I could do it again. I’ll be honest. I have been burned in the past. Where I have forgiven, and things did go back to the way they were – and it happened again.  I don’t like that pattern. So, I was fine walking away and moving on.

A few months ago when G got his news, she was one of the people he had to inform.  We had no idea when or who this infection came from – so he made his sort list – and called down it.

Reactions, as I’ve mentioned, were mixed. Her reaction, to be honest, surprised me. Why? She asked a lot of questions. She did some research. She checked in with him every few days making sure he was okay. She basically was a good friend about it.  She was shocked, but more at how even her understanding of herpes was lacking. When he was looking for a new doctor, she helped him identify those who were lifestyle friendly and knew about the disease.

I have often said that actions speak louder than words. Apologies would not have had the same effect as her actions. I’ll be honest. Sorry is always interesting, but actions speak much louder. And during that time, I started realizing maybe I owe her my attention so she can apologize how she feels she needs to apologize.  Given how good of a friend she has been to my husband, it is the least I can do.

G texted her when we discovered it had been a year ago since our fun weekend together.  Her response was “It saddens me to think about a year ago. What I ruined.”  While G and I were reminiscing about the fact it WAS a fun weekend, her first response was regret. One of her last messages to him was “do you think Emmy will ever forgive me?”

Yeah, I need to give her the chance to apologize. She needs to move on.  This no longer is about only me.

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Beryl says:

    and this is why I like you so much.

  2. Aurore says:

    It’s always nice when people can surprise you like this. Hopefully, allowing her to apologize means that you can all move forward as friends.

  3. Sometimes accepting an apology can be harder than making one because you really have to be able to let go of your negative feelings.

    I hope that you all can work out a peace.

  4. Hubman says:

    What ASM said…

  5. That’s a tough spot to be in, having to accept an apology. I think ASM said it best. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

  6. Ms Scarlett says:

    I can completely understand the reluctance you feel. It does look like she’s proving herself – I think you’re right to reconsider your position.

  7. Vixen says:

    I think it says a lot about you as a person, when you say that it’s no longer only about you and wanting to give her a chance to apologize.


  8. Maggie says:

    It’s good when things like this can happen. Like mini grown up moments.

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