That little six letter word “infect” has resulted in me being celibate for almost six weeks now.

As one friend described it, infect is a “shudder word”.

That word is the mental barrier to G and me having sex right now.

As weird as it sounds, I almost have a version of survivor’s guilt. I had a lot of sex. My list of partners is longer, yet somehow, I’m negative.

I know how probability works. It’s like flipping a coin. I have a 50-50
shot of getting heads each time no matter how many times I flip it in a
row. Or how many different coins I flip.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t looking forward to being positive. I didn’t like the idea anymore than anyone would like the idea, but this would not be happening if I were positive. It isn’t like I could get more herpes if I were positive and having sex with someone who is also positive.  But, being negative having sex with someone who is positive, well, that complicates things especially if our goal is for me to try to stay negative.  We are following the advice given in terms of how to keep me negative while still having sex, but it is still difficult as G wraps his mind around it.

G said the other day as a passing remark that I should go, play and have fun. That statement took me back a bit as I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  Was he rejecting me to protect me? Was he being self-deprecating – sort of a, since I can’t have fun anymore, you should…sigh?

Later when we talked about it, he admitted he was struggling with the idea of infecting me. There is nothing sexy about that idea. So, while he is trying to wrap his head around it, he didn’t want me to have to be forced into celibacy because of it. So, he was serious about me continuing with play dates and all. Less pressure on him, no going without for me.

But here’s the thing….who wants to take that risk with me now? Great, I’m negative….right now. Will people still see it as a risk? I mean, I share a bed with someone who is positive. To be serious, I don’t know the answer to that question.  I’m almost afraid to ask. While people have responded with a “we’ll figure it out later” or a “it doesn’t matter”, those are easy statements to make when you aren’t having sex with the person. Will they still feel that way if I asked that question? Could I handle the answer if it isn’t what I expected or wanted?

I’m not sure I can right now.

Damn stigma!

So for now, I’m trying to show patience. I’ve gone without sex for a while in the past.

I’ll live.

We both will.

8 Comments Add yours

  1. I know the feeling. The stigma is amazing and it really takes a toll. That stigma comes with a dirty feeling.

    Celibacy is the first and last thought….the thought of putting someone through the same thing you have been through, no way!!!
    How do you go and have a HOT and active sex life after this? I am sure you can but right now it doesn’t seem like an option. How can he feel good about you ending up with Herpes because of him? He knows this feeling and he does not want you to put you through these feelings.

    It will take time for him to adjust and yes he doesn’t want you to miss out on the opportunities you still have available to you.

    I know the status of your sex life has changed but your love hasn’t.
    There are plenty of people you will find that look past that and then there are the others who don’t or can’t. You are lucky enough to be in a relationship where love and sex is/can be there.

    I wish you luck, I have been celibate for almost a year now…..the “dirty” stigma thoughts still swirl around in my head. Even flirting comes with guilt, so I have stopped that–sometimes easier to stop it then have to say it out loud. I do miss it but I hope one day to find someone to get down and dirty with like I used to…

  2. I have no adequate or wise words for what you are going though.

    Just accept this hug and know that I am thinking of you both.

  3. Hubman says:

    To answer your question, and being as honest as I can, yes, I would see having sex with you as taking a risk, since your husband is positive. As you point out, sure you where negative the last time you were tested, but your partner is positive, how long will you staying negative last?

    Probably not what you wanted to hear, huh?

  4. Beryl says:

    Sending you light, mama.


  5. garbonzo says:

    Greetings all,

    Figured I would chime in here.

    Discovering that I have Herpes has been one of those experiences that, like having a child, has affected our life in completely unexpected ways. Sure, there has been the expected shock, sadness, confusion and embarrassment. But there have also been the smaller effects that sneak up on us at the most unexpected times.

    To start with, there is the sex. Neither Emmy or I expected to stop having sex. Neither of us intend to stop having sex in the future. But, right now, we are trying to figure out how to make it work. Anyone with kids will remember trying to figure out how to return to some normal semblance of a sex life while there is an infant that can and does wake up demanding attention at the most inopportune moment. We figured it out with our kids and we will figure it out with this.

    As for swinging, well that is still up in the air a bit. For us, it is going to be all about risk management. Believe it or not, we are at least as concerned about passing it on as others are about getting the virus. For now, all play has stopped. If it happens again, then that is something that we will have to work out with our partners. On our end, we are doing everything we can to keep the virus from being passed on. I am on suppression medicine. Between the medicine and condom use, the possibility of passing on the virus is significantly reduced. With that in mind, and everything out in the open, it will be up to us AND our partners if we are all willing to take the risks involved in sex. We realize that not everyone (and potentially no one) will be willing to take that risk.

    Emmy’s status is different than mine. But, she is forever linked to me (for better or worse, sickness and health, and all that). We have built a relationship based on trust and understanding. She has been amazingly loving and supportive through this entire process. As I said, we are in this together. Hopefully I have been as loving and supportive of her.

    I don’t have my own blog on which to write, so I apologize for hijacking the comments section of Emmy’s to voice my perspective on things. She shares her posts with me before they go up. Everything she shares comes from her heart. but, as she is to me, I am to her. We are forever linked. And, if it comes from her heart, it comes from mine too.

    So, thank you all for your love and support of us both through this. I am amazed by the dialogue this has created (both on and off the blog) and how honest people are sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Hopefully the conversation will continue.

    And, I am confident that, as we figure things out, Emmy’s posts will return to the sexy musings and experiences we all tune in to read.


  6. -keeping you in my thoughts.

  7. Sa says:

    OK Garbonzo you made me cry.

    Beautiful comment.

  8. Ms Scarlett says:

    You’re both in my thoughts… and amazing me with your candor and love for each other.

    Thank you.

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