As one friend described it, infect is a “shudder word”.
That word is the mental barrier to G and me having sex right now.
As weird as it sounds, I almost have a version of survivor’s guilt. I had a lot of sex. My list of partners is longer, yet somehow, I’m negative.
I know how probability works. It’s like flipping a coin. I have a 50-50
shot of getting heads each time no matter how many times I flip it in a
row. Or how many different coins I flip.
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t looking forward to being positive. I didn’t like the idea anymore than anyone would like the idea, but this would not be happening if I were positive. It isn’t like I could get more herpes if I were positive and having sex with someone who is also positive. But, being negative having sex with someone who is positive, well, that complicates things especially if our goal is for me to try to stay negative. We are following the advice given in terms of how to keep me negative while still having sex, but it is still difficult as G wraps his mind around it.
G said the other day as a passing remark that I should go, play and have fun. That statement took me back a bit as I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was he rejecting me to protect me? Was he being self-deprecating – sort of a, since I can’t have fun anymore, you should…sigh?
Later when we talked about it, he admitted he was struggling with the idea of infecting me. There is nothing sexy about that idea. So, while he is trying to wrap his head around it, he didn’t want me to have to be forced into celibacy because of it. So, he was serious about me continuing with play dates and all. Less pressure on him, no going without for me.
But here’s the thing….who wants to take that risk with me now? Great, I’m negative….right now. Will people still see it as a risk? I mean, I share a bed with someone who is positive. To be serious, I don’t know the answer to that question. I’m almost afraid to ask. While people have responded with a “we’ll figure it out later” or a “it doesn’t matter”, those are easy statements to make when you aren’t having sex with the person. Will they still feel that way if I asked that question? Could I handle the answer if it isn’t what I expected or wanted?
I’m not sure I can right now.
So for now, I’m trying to show patience. I’ve gone without sex for a while in the past.
We both will.