…..and it went out the window.
Truth be told, my friends….Emmy has had a seriously shitty week in the area of her personal life. I’ve worried about people – seriously worried about people. Yes, that is a plural there. I’ve worried about myself. And, I’ve felt more alone than I did yesterday. Why? A lot of what is going on I can’t talk about in specifics – not even here. So, I’ll try to explain how it’s making me feel instead…..
The phrase “when it rains, it pours” … yeah….felt it. I almost don’t want to look up to see if it will stop for fear the downpour will catch me again. And at this point, I’m not….I can’t look anymore.
Last night was the final blow for me emotionally. All of the stuff kept behind that emotional wall I had carefully constructed, came bursting through. There seems to be a silliness factor to the reason why. I think it was a combo of bad timing with everything else as well as it being yet another thing.
In short, I threaten some women. I am confident. I am direct. I make jokes easily and I love those I connect with easily. It is who I am. Certain situations that would effect other women negatively, I don’t let them effect me. I hang back. I play it cool. I act like it doesn’t bother me because my brain tells me it shouldn’t matter – it shouldn’t bother me.
But my heart….my heart is a different beast. My heart doesn’t always want to compromise. My heart will let it happen until it happens one too many times, then it beats my brain into submission making the brain shut up for once. It screams louder. It demands my attention. It busts down the carefully constructed wall and everything comes out. And, it inevitably happens with someone I care about deeply. Someone who I thought would see through the facade. Someone I don’t want to hurt, but the wall is gone and it all comes out – and I don’t know how to stop the flood. And this person who they normally deal with – this rational, sane, logical person….well, she’s gone. She’s hurt. She’s done. And the internal struggle is beyond anything anyone could imagine.
I am one to hurt back when hurt. Push me in a corner, and my first instinct isn’t to stay there – it’s to start swinging and knock the person who put me there on their ass. Age thankfully has made me get a grip on this one because this reaction in the past has resulted in nothing but me getting myself into trouble. So, when I feel like I’m being put in an uncompromising position by someone – I have to walk away before I can hear the rest. I have to get a grip on my anger and hurt and frustration before it controls the situation, and not me.
The problem because I do build this cool, roll-with-it facade is I hate myself when I hurt. I hate my heart screaming. I hate that pain. I hate it more than anything. I simply want to make it go away. The logical part wants to step back and look at the whole thing. The heart says no. And there I am. I try to articulate what I’m feeling – but I’m not able to without feeling silly myself. And so I try to remind myself that I am NOT silly – my emotions are MY emotions. It is the way I feel regardless of how stupid it may sound to me.
And that is the last thing that happened last night – it all came to a head for me with a friend. While my head saw his logic, my heart did not like it. I don’t listen to my heart usually. But, she would not be ignored. So, I walked away. I couldn’t listen to what he wanted to say. My heart heard enough. My heart didn’t want to hear more. My heart decided it could not handle more – not right now – not this week. And the more I heard, the more I didn’t like what I was hearing. The more I wondered why now….of all times – why now? Why, when I was already dealing with so much did I have to deal with this too? And why didn’t my friend see that or seem to understand that?
I know some of this is my fault. I do put up walls – more than most realize. This person usually sees through them. He usually says “Emmy, remember, I’m the friend with a brain – now cut the bullshit and tell me what’s really going on.” But he wasn’t in a place to do that. He was dealing with his own shit. I get that. I can’t judge him for it. It’s just unfortunate that we both were coming from places of trying to control the chaos.
Do I like the way it ended? Honestly? Not really. But, unlike the person involved in the alternative solution – I’ll live. I got it off my chest – and I’ll live. I don’t like it….but I’ll get over it. I can only hope things do change – things do improve – things do allow for this to be truly temporary. It’s what my heart wants. Too bad my head is whispering in my ear that it won’t happen. Yeah, my brain is a cynical bitch – or a broken-hearted idealist, as I once heard it defined. My brain has bought the story, read it, saw the movie, and can recite what will happen next from memory. My brain knows the ending.
I guess, in the end, all I was looking for was some reassurance from a friend, and it turned into something else. But sometimes other people have too much shit going on in their own lives to see what those around them really need….the world doesn’t revolve about me or my issues. That sucks during weeks like mine where everything is going wrong. But, it is the way it should be….it rotates around the sun as it should. A certain reassurance that no one person is the center – the world keeps on its defined path. And I will deal with it and move on.
….and contemplate things like this: