Apology Not Wanted

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A former playmate wants to apologize for how things ended with us.

I am always one to take the high ground even if I don’t, at the time, sound like I will. My anger will get the best of me in the moment – like a volcano, I must erupt. And once the smoke clears and dust settles, I will always look at it objectively and take the high ground. I rarely hold grudges unless it is because I’ve been burned too many times by the person. But even then, I’m more likely to create strict boundaries than to cut them off entirely.

In this case, I became the fall-guy, if you will. The real issues didn’t matter – it was easy to cut me off – then make it be my fault rather than admit the truth. 

I got it at the time. Her emotions were running amok. She was trying to keep control of a situation she had lost control of. She was trying to hide from her own feelings. I got it. 

And the fact I got it is one of the reasons I got treated the way I was.

But, I moved on.  As hard as it was at times to see people around me – people who cared about me – people who said I was being treated badly – continue to be friends with her and treat her with kid gloves – I kept it all to myself and moved on. It was their gig, no longer mine. They would learn just as I had. 

And they all did. 

I should mention that I never wished ill on her. I always wished her happiness – and the best. Like I said, I got what she was going through. I knew what she did to me was not going to solve anything and eventually she would end up facing herself. And, to a certain extent, that is what happened.

So, she wants to apologize. On one hand, I appreciate the gesture. It shows growth. It shows self-reflection. It shows she may be getting it.  But, on the other hand, I have difficulties believing she understands what she truly did to me. And I really don’t want to explain it. But, maybe she would surprise me. Who knows.

Regardless, I’m not sure I want or need an apology. I’m good. I’m going forward. I’m not talking about it – (until now when I feel I’m being forced to think and talk about it.) When people mention her, I don’t run her down. I don’t say anything bad. There is no point.

And regardless of it all, I have no regrets. I would not have changed anything I did because I was being true to who I am. And I would have still ended up being friends with TL. I still would have had fun during play dates.  I would have still been me.

I guess that is all contributing to this conflict I have about the apology. I don’t want to rehash things. I am over it and have no regrets. And while she may be looking or wanting closure, I’m not sure I want to go back and revisit it long enough to give it to her. Not because I’m begrudging her what she needs but because, this time, I need to look after myself. And I just don’t want to go there again.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Dana says:

    As hard as it was at times to see people around me – people who cared about me – people who said I was being treated badly – continue to be friends with her and treat her with kid gloves – I kept it all to myself and moved on. It was their gig, no longer mine. They would learn just as I had.

    This is one of the most difficult things to do – to hold back when you want to say, “Do you have any idea what this person is all about?” I’ve watched this play out a few times recently in the blog world *shakes head*

    On apologies, I have mixed feeling on this. I do believe that when an apology is made – sincerely – it can be cathartic for both parties. The challenge here is that you have no idea if the apology will make the situation better or just re-open something you have already resolved.

  2. Vixen says:

    I have had a very similar thing happen to me. And I took the same road and direction and had the same feelings as you had. I felt better about myself for taking this road and these actions.

    But unlike your situation, when she came back later, it was to say ‘thank you’ for all I had done for her, rather than what I really wanted, which *was* an apology. An apology would have gone a long way, although would not have made an over all *difference*. So why would it have mattered? I personally wonder.

    I’m glad you are ok with where thing are at though. Bc you are so right, you DO have to look after yourself.

  3. nitebyrd says:

    Maybe she wants to apologize for herself. She obviously realizes that what she did was/is worthy of an apology and needs/wants to give it because she wants to move on.

    She should give it to you simply, so that no re-hashing be done. Since you’ve already put the incident behind you, accepting an “I’m sorry” shouldn’t hurt much. After that you can have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve helped someone’s spirit.

    But you are definitely correct when you say you need to look after yourself. We should all look after ourselves much more than we do.

  4. frances says:

    An interesting turn of events…

  5. southerngirl says:

    Take care of you sweet thing and keep marching forward!!

    xx

  6. Joker_SATX says:

    You are a much better person than I. I would have had a ways to go to take your attitude.

    As you can probably tell, I have some grudges I am still holding on to…..

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