I am always one to take the high ground even if I don’t, at the time, sound like I will. My anger will get the best of me in the moment – like a volcano, I must erupt. And once the smoke clears and dust settles, I will always look at it objectively and take the high ground. I rarely hold grudges unless it is because I’ve been burned too many times by the person. But even then, I’m more likely to create strict boundaries than to cut them off entirely.
In this case, I became the fall-guy, if you will. The real issues didn’t matter – it was easy to cut me off – then make it be my fault rather than admit the truth.
I got it at the time. Her emotions were running amok. She was trying to keep control of a situation she had lost control of. She was trying to hide from her own feelings. I got it.
And the fact I got it is one of the reasons I got treated the way I was.
But, I moved on. As hard as it was at times to see people around me – people who cared about me – people who said I was being treated badly – continue to be friends with her and treat her with kid gloves – I kept it all to myself and moved on. It was their gig, no longer mine. They would learn just as I had.
And they all did.
I should mention that I never wished ill on her. I always wished her happiness – and the best. Like I said, I got what she was going through. I knew what she did to me was not going to solve anything and eventually she would end up facing herself. And, to a certain extent, that is what happened.
So, she wants to apologize. On one hand, I appreciate the gesture. It shows growth. It shows self-reflection. It shows she may be getting it. But, on the other hand, I have difficulties believing she understands what she truly did to me. And I really don’t want to explain it. But, maybe she would surprise me. Who knows.
Regardless, I’m not sure I want or need an apology. I’m good. I’m going forward. I’m not talking about it – (until now when I feel I’m being forced to think and talk about it.) When people mention her, I don’t run her down. I don’t say anything bad. There is no point.
And regardless of it all, I have no regrets. I would not have changed anything I did because I was being true to who I am. And I would have still ended up being friends with TL. I still would have had fun during play dates. I would have still been me.
I guess that is all contributing to this conflict I have about the apology. I don’t want to rehash things. I am over it and have no regrets. And while she may be looking or wanting closure, I’m not sure I want to go back and revisit it long enough to give it to her. Not because I’m begrudging her what she needs but because, this time, I need to look after myself. And I just don’t want to go there again.