But here I am.
So, what is keeping me awake……
…..the million dollar question…..
As an old mentor said once after I had insomnia for about 10 days straight, I need to put the mice in the attic to bed. This was an interesting way of expressing it given it was a bit too folksy for the guy who was saying it. But his point was valid…..gotta put those thoughts to rest.
I guess there are a few things going through my head.
Sickness sucks! I have had this cold for almost 3 fucking weeks now. And it is just now getting better. But, what this has meant for me? No running. For 3 weeks. And I have a 6 mile run in two weeks. Yes, folks, I am feeling a bit of stress. Factor in the fact we are getting February winter weather in April, and I’m really stressed.
Oh, and here is another fun factor to this whole thing – I got a UTI on top of the cold. SO, I’m on those fun – can’t have anything rich-in-calcium- antibiotics. At least they aren’t making me dizzy this time. But they ARE ones I have to be careful exercising on – because “there have been reported tendon ruptures while taking these drugs”. I’m almost done which is the good thing but still. Kinda fucks with me until then.
And because I’m not exercising, I’m not happy with myself. I took HNT pictures the other night and wasn’t happy with any of them. It’s the way my mind works – too much food and drink – too little exercise. It’s slippery slope for me, my friends.
Oh, and I hate things that don’t go the way I’m hoping they will even when I understand why they can’t. I just feel like there is a domino effect sometimes. We’ve been encountering this with play dates right now. A play date was canceled this past weekend (and overnight one at that). We are very likely going to have to decline our invite to a house party this weekend too. There will be other opportunities, but we actually had things planned out well this time. Babysitters were gotten, etc. Kinda frustrating that things aren’t coming together.
I also fear change with relationships. I hate tension in them. I hate uncertainty in terms of how thing can change – and the what-ifs of those changes. I have few in my “inner circle” if you will. Few “get me”. Very few do I have a good two-way dialog with – who I can be honest and blunt and not offend – and who I get the same from. I always want happiness and all for everyone. I just still worry. I can’t help it sometimes. The mind sometimes takes you places you would rather not go. Or at least mine does. Damn brain.
Let’s see, what else is bouncing around the brain…..
…..work…..work…..work……while it was a good day today – a full work day in fact, I am faced with people out from illness, going on 2 week vacations at critical times. Managers who are communicating with me but not their employees, and their employees flipping out at me. I may have to make one of them an example for this – don’t fuck with me when I’m managing a project. I’ll watch your back until you start taking out your frustration with your manager on me. Then we will have issues. I just don’t tolerate it. Go deal with the problems directly with the person causing them. The last time this happened, I called a meeting with the offenders and basically told them to work it out because I’m not playing referee anymore. It took them less than 5 minutes. I think I spent about 5 hours dealing with the back and forth before that. I have no problem calling people out – I guess some people haven’t learned that about me …. yet.
And I think that’s the other thing I’m finding annoying. I am currently on trajectory of working through September as a contractor. This means, no time off. No vacations. No nothing for me. While it is the trade-off of being in a contract role, the fact I’ve already had to start saying “no” to invites for long weekends and such is starting to annoy me already. Toss in the fact they are likely going to extend me, and I’ll be ready for a vacation when this project is done.
So, this is all what’s going on in my head.