Let’s examine the contents of my brain, shall we?
Things I’m happy about:
1. The Saints won. Really happy about this for a friend of mine. Hope he got to see all of the game.
2. It’s a 3-day weekend coming up.
3. I feel like we’re making more new friends in “the lifestyle”.
4. Work isn’t something I’m dreading.
5. Oh, and hello, web traffic on the site. Damn!
Things that are keeping me from sleeping:
1. It appears that my bros are getting along again. I only speculate this because they have gone dark – again. While I’m not a fan of the fighting, I do enjoy the fact I actually get to talk to them when they do. Yeah, I’m the last resort. When am I going to learn to accept the fact they will only ever include me in their life if it is on their terms? Anyone??
2. I had an interesting exchange with a friend tonight that has left me wondering if I’m being treated with kid gloves. I hate getting treated like I can’t handle something all because I expressed that I wanted something to be different. And I’m trying not to react to it so as not to affirm (if I am indeed being treated with kid gloves) that I should be treated with kid gloves. Oh, and if I do say something, I feel like I’m a bad friend for not being “understanding enough”. I kinda feel I’m fucked with this one – and not in a good way. I mean, I feel like my only choice is to suck it up, deal with my own emotions on this one, and try to convince myself that what I want won’t happen so to stop expecting it will change. And try not to get drawn into the idea that maybe it will. Thank goodness I do this well. What complicates this one for me – and makes it harder for me to do this as I would with others is the fact I think of this person as a very good friend. I’ve let this person in further than usual. I’m trying to be better about letting people get to know the true Emmy. But it’s situations like these that make me wonder if I’m doing myself any favors.
3. That I’m having to put myself last in the family activities again. Today I needed to go out and run. I couldn’t because of the schedule for the day. Yet, Garbanzo was able to do what he wanted to do for his triathlon training. When he played rugby, I was left to work around his schedule if I wanted to do things. (Working around the kids’ schedules are just a given – it’s what a parent does.) But, I’m feeling like that is starting to happen between us again. So, I’m trying to fit it into my work day so that I am not faced with these decisions. I’m feeling though that if I want something, I am the one that has to have the flexibility – not anyone else. And I need to be flexible for them too.
Hmmm…..I’m noticing a trend with those three things.
I think what makes this worse is the fact my brother Nick and I had a conversation a week ago about the fact that we both do this – we expect more of ourselves in relationship with people than we do of the other person. We expect ourselves to be the flexible understanding ones – because changing that feels too risky. We got this from our dad (nature, nurture – pick one – it’s still from him.) Ironic, isn’t it – that all three of mine fall into this feeling for me – and the first one involves the brother that understands the fact we both feel this way? It’s so much easier when shit like this involves people I don’t care about. Then I can tell them to fuck off and move on. No sleep lost. Fucking conscious!
So here I sit. Knowing that the alarm will go off too soon – but not being able to sleep.
Maybe I’ll go try to read something boring and hope it shuts down my brain.
Or hope that doing this post will make my mind stop for a while.
Here’s to trying, I guess.