– Ralph Waldo
When I saw this quote on my twitter feed, I felt it was the universe trying to help me find perspective. Over the past week, I have been angry, sad, annoyed, and disappointed more than I have been happy. During the week, there has been high points. Some of the time spent with Garbanzo and the kids, the play date with TL, and dinner with my friend Pedro being a few of them.
But, cemented in between those moments has been drama that, in some cases, is beyond anything I can ever imagine. Drama that has worn down to the point where I just want to throw up my hands and announce that “I’m out!” to all around me and just stay away from people.
Usually I can tell people to fuck off and walk away pretty easily, but, like I said, I’m worn down. I’m sick of the drama. Fuck, I don’t even enjoy watching dramas on TV or at a movie. I much prefer comedy – laughter – happiness to the drama crap. Yet, I feel like I’ve been forced into some and the happiness is being sucked out of me as a result.
And, I think at the core of my frustration with all of this is simply the fact there has been a lot of emotional transference onto me. Situations where I have nothing to gain by doing something, I have been accused of doing things that have made me wonder if the person I’ve met has actually met me at all. Given the number of times it’s happened (which is more than three times in the past 7 days), I’ve started wondering if I am doing it at some subconscious level. I mean, I seem to be the common factor in all of these situations.
There in lies the problem. I am a natural at reflecting upon myself to make sure I didn’t do something out of line, etc. I never want to be one of those clueless people who goes through the world like some giant bull in a china shop knocking people over without realizing it or being aware they are the common thread to the chaos. But, in each case, it has not been me. I have had other people reassure me it is not me. While that reassurance is nice, it doesn’t help me emotionally especially given the things that had happened before each incident.
So instead of some great story about my play date, or me venting/gushing about the parent-teacher conferences or express my happiness about being laid off as I see what is happening at the company from a contractor point-of-view. But, instead, I have no real urge to write about happy things or exciting things. I have spent too many minutesthe last several days being angry.
(Just so that no one thinks I’m directing this at them personally. I’m not. This is a result of multiple situations – not a single one.)