Unexcited

I realized tonight just how unexcited I am about running the half marathon on Sunday.  What’s strange is the reason.  It’s not because I don’t think I can do it, but it’s more that I’m not feeling like it is important.

I was trying to explain this to Garbanzo earlier, but I think a lot of it has to do with the attitude I’ve gotten from those around me. Garbanzo is going to be out of town. No one in my family has even asked anything about it now that they are off the hook.  Many of my friends are in the same boat.  When I think about Sunday, I see myself getting up early, going to the run, running it, coming home, and starting my mom duties. 

It’s not that I’m looking for anything in particular.  In fact, when I contrasted me doing this with Garbanzo doing his triathlon, we found many difference even in the home approach to it.  When I asked why, for example, he didn’t give me the same kick in the ass last week that I gave him when he started slacking in his training, he said, “because I know your dedication to doing this will make you do it – you don’t need me to motivate.”

And, in that one sentence, he summarized my biggest frustration with it all – I don’t get it because no one feels I need it.

It’s funny how double edged that sword is.  While everyone who knows me would be right, I will do it.  I won’t back away from the challenge.  And, even if I feel like my knees are going to tell me to fuck off and try to leave the rest of my body behind, I will keep going and finish.  I think it’s just hard knowing that I won’t have any one cheering for me.  I’m going to run, and come home.

Will I have a feeling of satisfaction? Absolutely.  But, I think there is something to having support.  I know, for me, there is an extra boost I get when I have that pressure, if you will.  When there is cheering, you stand up straighter, run a bit faster, and keep going.  It isn’t always easy being your own cheerleader especially during tough parts of a race or even a game.  And, in contrast to other events or sports I’ve done, I am doing this pretty much cheerleader-less.

I’m not doing this for others.  I AM doing this for me.  I guess I just realized when I hit a rough, unmotivated patch in my training recently how I am the only one who really seems to notice.

Okay, enough whining, I guess.  Back to some runs before the big one Sunday.  If I don’t, I will likely kick my own ass when I’m so sore I can’t walk on Monday.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Sa says:

    Emmy, I ran a half marathon a couple of weeks ago and I am rooting for you 100%. No one in my family cares at all about exercise, none of my friends knew and I ran all by myself. I know how much it would have meant to me to have a support system, so Sunday you’ll have some French love coming to you from accross the Atlantic. Good luck and enjoy yourself!

  2. Awwww Emmy you know we’re all behind you…and not just to watch the shorts errrrr ahhhh but yeah it’s not the same as having us at the water station yelling for you.

    In many respects this is a similar discussion the ‘the initiator of sex’ discussion that Bitchtits had a while back. We all got out roles in a relationship. It sucks sometimes and it would be nice if people switched it up once in a while and didn’t take it for granted that you didn’t need it once in a while. But on the whole you got a role cause you’re good at it.

    That being said I think a picture of garbanzo I’m a song girl uniform outside the Coloseum would be a perfect motivator on Sunday. 😀

  3. You will do gine and you WILL KICK ASS!

    I always dread going into them but love when I cross the finish line.

  4. Dana says:

    Boy, do I know that feeling. But you’re such a strong person Emmy! Yeah … doesn’t make you feel the least bit better, does it?

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

  5. Sexy PTA Mom says:

    Go, Baby, Go!!! I am sooo proud of you!!! The day I run a half marathon is the day my family faints from shock. Lol!! You are a damn impressive woman, and it’s kind of nice that you’re so impressive nobody even notices when you do fantastic things before lunchtime anymore. ;p

  6. Vixen says:

    Of course what is most important is that you do this for you. And anyone who knows you at all, KNOWS you are strong enough to do this on your own. BUT having people who you feel support you is *HUGE*. It’s tough always being your own cheerleader.

    *hugs* Hon. I’ll be cheering you on 🙂

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