It did not feel like a Tuesday – it felt like much later in the week.
Tonight, I took The Kid to the NWSL semi-final soccer game. This was the game to decide who the Portland Thorns would play in the finals on Saturday. It was a fun game to attend. If anyone watched on TV, they saw an empty stadium. It was a poor angle. The stadium is adding 4000 more seats, so the side people saw on TV is the side under construction……and had to remain close today. There were about 4000 people sitting where the cameras could not see. It was fun getting to sit in great seats and watch the two teams play a great game. Now onto the finals…..a rematch of last year’s final game between the Thorns and North Carolina.
I do have to laugh though. I was reading some comments on the NWSL post about the game Saturday, and someone commented that “it’s not fair if Portland wins again this year.” It’s not fair? So two teams go into battle, the team emerging as the winner is not who you want, so it’s not fair? As one commenter remarked, this isn’t a damn election – you don’t get to vote! I suspected this language would start being used by people who just don’t like the Thorns. Glad to see it coming true. Geesh.
My dad had surgery today. Not anything as huge as his open heart surgery, but basically surgery to go in and fix a situation regarding his healing from the open heart surgery. I was not worried about him or the surgery, so I stayed here versus going to be with everyone. Ninety minutes after it started, and he was done and recovering. Surgeon ended up fixing the original issue as well as a minor one she found when she started the surgery. I joked that he got 2 repairs for the price of 1. And he didn’t even need a coupon!
I talked to him about 4-5 hours after surgery ended, and he sounded good. His spirits were high. He had already had a full meal and was getting ready to see if he could find the soccer game on TV. I know now he will fully heal. He will get to a place where he can do all of the things he loves, and fully recovery from the open heart surgery. Here’s hoping he heals fast.
The last 24 hours, The Kid has been having some issues. I shouldn’t put it like that because it is pretty imprecise in terms of describing it all. Last week, he had a very good week. His mood was good. He was happy. He was engaged. Things were going well. Over the weekend, he suffered a disappointment. I suspected it would happen because the situation had no good outcome. His expectations were misaligned with what was going to happen. The adults in his life knew this, but couldn’t get him to see it. All we could do is prepare for the fallout.
The fallout came on Sunday in an unexpected way. I could tell he was starting to flail. I could tell he was trying to not flail. I gave him the space and support and sat back seeing what would happen. In the end, he was just tired and slept.
Monday was the bad day. He was down. He was sad. He was angry. He longed for what he did not get Saturday, so he reached out to someone who is not in an emotional place to support him. And like the weekend, the situation fell short of what he think he wanted. That sent him even more adrift.
I read a post today about empaths. It said:
“I don’t just listen to your words. I listen to your use of words, your tone, your body movements, your eyes, your subtle facial expressions. I interpret your silences – I can hear everything you don’t say in words.”
He walked through the door yesterday, and I knew he was off – like REALLY off. He didn’t need to say anything – I just knew. I asked how his day was – and he responded with “fine”. Mentally, I was saying, “bullshit.” After chores, he went for a walk. That’s when I knew it was bad.
He came home – and I cornered him. I could feel his pain – I could feel his emotions – and I needed him to talk. And I got him to talk. As he spoke, my heart ached. The momma bear in me was roaring. The momma bear wanted to take people down for what they did to him. The momma bear wanted to pull him close and protect him from everything.
We talked for an hour. He was on the verge of tears. He was frustrated. He was angry. He didn’t understand but was trying so hard to understand. He was sad that he felt sad when last week he felt so happy. At the end of the rant, he was hungry. He wanted to just hang out. And I did all I could not to just hug him and not let go because, fuck, the empath in me wanted to take his pain from him.
But I’m proud of him because he told his therapist where he was at. He asked for more support. And, he has a whole fucking team of people who don’t want him to feel alone. I am proud of him because he is starting to hold himself to a higher standard. He does not want to fall in the ways of his past. He is fighting – and I am proud of him for that. We all are.
And by contrast, today was filled with more fuckery about my application for the lead job of the department. My gut told me to not tip my hand with certain people that I was going to apply for the job. I knew there would be games played. And it is game on. I had to sit in a meeting today while 2 of the people on the committee to hire the position told the team all about the person they liked for the job……not me.
Thankfully, I have ego. I sat there listening and just smiling. I have been feeling like the adult in the room with a whole bunch of children. While they pitch a fit, I am the one calming them down and coming up with the adult response. Someone commented to me today the same observation. “You are the leader – no one else is. And that is proven time and time again by how you handle situations.” The feedback confirms what I am feeling – that my perception is the perception of others. Listening to the fuckery – all I could do is smile. Think you are doing anything to me? Good luck. My ego is bigger than that.
Plus, what is funniest? I’m not playing a game. I’m showing them that they are trying to play a game, and I’m going to beat them by being me. Should be interesting.
Like I said…..it has been a week….in two days.
But that’s how life goes sometimes. Life sometimes decides you should get several days of fun into a single day. And you deal with it – and you move on.
Or you go to a soccer game with a kid who loves soccer – have fun cheering them on – and come home for some nice red wine.
It’s all about balance.