Yeah, the question mark is deliberate. Mainly because this is going to be something different. For two reasons, one it has been on my mind – and the other is because work has been hell today which is why this is late.
So here goes….
Last week I was around many people in the local kink community, and the discussion always seemed to circle back around to some bullshit happening (again) that has everyone picking up torches and pitchforks to do battle against each other. Though, truthfully, it is more like the fight scene from the movie Anchorman. (Clip here.) And like the fight from the movie, it is just hitting the point of ridiculousness – on all sides.
When talking to one person, I made the observation that everyone is feeding negative into a situation in hopes of producing a positive result. Problem is? You can’t feed negativity into an already negative situation and have it magically transform into a positive. This isn’t like math where multiplying two negative numbers results in a positive.
But Sunday morning, while reading a book I had bought to deal with a work situation, I realized that this book would also apply to this situation. You see, this book is about fuckery which is defined by the authors as behaviors or habits that damage trust. Fuckery divides. Fuckery destroys teams and groups who are working towards a common goal. Fuckery leads to apathy and burnout. Fuckery inhibits success.
What is happening in our local community is compounded by fuckery. Success is not happening because of fuckery. Organizations serving the community are struggling because of this. Changes that we need to make to keep people safe are not happening due to fuckery. Nothing happens easily because of the fuckery.
The first thing the books suggests is that people have to acknowledge that fuckery is the enemy that must be fought. And later, it asks says in order to fight fuckery, you must acknowledge your own fuckery because, well, we all have it. And in certain situations, it is triggered – and we pull it out and use it like a weapon.
Examples of fuckery are:
- victim blaming
- playing the victim
- name calling
- self righteousness
The authors ask people to identify their own fuckery list and FIX YOUR FUCKERY FIRST!
You cannot fix the team or organizational or community fuckery first.
I like this because of how many times people point fingers at others. If this person would do X, things would be different. If they would stop ranting, things would be better. If they would educate themselves, things would be different. If they would just go away, things would be different. Then when that happens, they are surprised that nothing really changes for the long term. Why? Because the very approach is fuckery.
So this is my challenge to you – look at a situation where fuckery exists and ask yourself what behaviors you are bringing to the table that may be contributing to the fuckery. Or, another way to ask it, what is your fuckery list?
Then after you make that list, what are you going to do when a situation triggers you to pull out fuckery as a weapon, so that you are not contributing to the overall fuckery in the situation?
The book suggests using the short sword of discovery to get in close. These are things like:
- Seeking to understand
- Follow curiosity
- Ask questions
- Pinpoint tension
- Look at body language
- Build relationships
- Make connections
These are things that force you to get closer to the person. You can use a long sword too. (These are thinks like judges, seek to be understood, sell, summarizes, provide solutions, etc.) The long swords are great for setting a direction, but they are not precise and not going to make your point long term. And like swinging a long sword, they are a lot of work to yield as an only solution.
So, that is my challenge to you – something to motivate you, if you will. Own and know your fuckery!