Why "Take 2"? Because honestly the first version was, I don’t know, not where I wanted to be really. Maybe the adjustment at the chiropractor also adjusted my attitude. Who knows. So, let me, instead of editing the old one – just take another stab at it.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’m trying to not let the changes at work bring me down. This week, as expected, was a roller coaster of feelings and drama. Knowing it is going to happen, and going through it are two different things sadly. I’ve been trying to stay in a good space reminding myself that this will pass, but that isn’t always working especially when I’m overhearing talk that makes me feel like the last 18 months getting to know people here is all bullshit. That is a broad generalization that really only applies to about 15% of the team, but it is hard to remember that given how vocal they are. All I keep reminding myself is that this too shall pass.
One thing this work stuff has done is make me ponder my future. Not because I want to jump ship, but because I am up to 11 people who have mentioned that I should put my name in for my boss’s job. In the past year, I have really challenged my own self-opinion of my leadership style. I’ve always thought I was not up to par to those in roles above me – that they had something that I do not have. In the last year, I have come to realize that my skills are just different and actually have a huge value on their own. They do not mean I will never go beyond a specific level. As I was laying on the chiropractor’s table letting the heating pad do its thing, I realized why I always feel that way. I started in IT at 22 as a youngster – someone learning and growing. Everyone was always above me – older than me -more experienced than me – more skilled than me. I still think of things in those terms except, here’s the problem – I am the older person on the team with the most experience now. I have been for a while, but this company has allowed me to be that older, more experienced person with value to share. I had that at a company where I had worked for close to 15 years, had it during one of my contracting gigs, but lost that at the last company. Finding it again is not something I want to lose. It is something I refuse to compromise going forward. But damn, is that a mind shift I’m still getting used to. But the mind shift I don’t want to lose is my feeling that I always have something to learn – always have more to grow. And in the vein, I cannot help but ponder this possible opportunity. As I keep reminding myself and others, I need to sit with that idea a bit longer because it is a big step and one that does honestly excite me a bit.
My last set of feelings this week have to do with the oldest going off to college. Like the last paragraph where I mention still feeling like I’m the youngster in my job – well, I feel like I just brought this kid home – that I’m just figuring out this parenting thing – that it is just getting good. Realizing I’m two weeks away from packing this kid up and sending her to college in a state which seems far, far away is just mindblowing to me. It makes me excited for her. It makes me incredibly sad because I know I will miss the fuck out of that kid. And it makes me wonder where and the hell the time went. On top of it, I keep thinking I need to let people know – "in two weeks, you won’t see her until Christmas, so come see her now!!" But then I think, "Nope – she’s mine….for two weeks longer – I’m not sharing."
Ok, maybe take 2 isn’t as funny and uplifting or exciting as I was hoping it would be. Oh well, it’s what I’m feeling, I guess. So instead, I will leave you with this: