“You’re dead on” was his comment he left on a post written by a friend of mine. The post was about how marks left behind in kink scenes are nice but should not be the only measure people have of a scene.
The post is fabulous and dead on especially for people like her and me who started our kink journey bruising much more than we do now. It is a classic issue when you’ve been around for a while – leather-butt is the phrase.
But seeing that comment – oh lord, why did I read the comments?
He introduced me to the kink scene. And for that I am grateful.
In that comment encapsulates so much of the bullshit that came with that guy.
Starting with the post he even commented on.
I spent the first few years of my kink journey thinking I was not a bottom that could handle heavy play. That belief never came from me sitting around comparing myself against those in other scene. That belief came directly from words he spoke over and over and over again. He was constantly comparing me to others. He would even go so far and say he needed to have scenes with other people because they could handle his sadism better.
Ironically, since we parted ways, I have found this to be totally untrue as I have played with sadistic tops that scare people. I had no idea that this guy planted that feeling into my head until someone once called me a heavy bottom like they were. The person who said that was one of the people he would hold up as someone who was better – heavier of a bottom than me. It honestly caught me by surprise because the narrative in my head – the one he put there – was still playing even without my realizing it.
And this was how he was. About everything.
I’m not a heavy enough bottom.
I’m not girly enough because I don’t wear make-up or dress as he thought I should.
I’m not poly enough – I don’t do poly right.
Just like learning that the bottoming thing was bullshit, I have had to come to terms with other things.
Like I do polyamory just fine – my reactions that made him say I didn’t? It was because he was a practitioner of polyfuckery. (My definition of ‘polyfuckery’ is when someone claims polyamory but really is doing it as a way of justifying their desire to fuck whoever they want. I am not saying swingers, for example, cannot be polyamorous or that they practice polyfuckery. Let me give you an example of what I consider polyfuckery. I have a friend who is monogamous and married a guy who said he was too. When he went out and started fucking people behind her back, she got upset – but he dismissed her feelings because he’s poly – so this is just how he is. He used poly to defend his infidelity when he really wasn’t even doing ethical nonmonogomy. Nope – he pulled the polyamory card and insisted it was his get out of jail free card. Anyway – this guy did the same thing thus the polyfuckery.)
The other reason he said I didn’t do polyamory right? Because I drew boundaries with my relationship with G – and held them. And each time I did and it negatively impacted him because he wasn’t respecting the boundary? My fault – I was doing poly wrong.
It has taken me years to identify and start trying to uninstall those things he put in my head. I even realized at one point that he has created a situation where he would pit his partners against each other – his wife vs me – his babygirl vs me. He was always the victim of their stuff to the point where I realized he was likely doing the same thing with them where I was concerned. After this realization, I reached out and friended his babygirl telling her honestly that I see now that he was pitting us against each other as a way of controlling the narrative and us. She thanked me saying she realized the same thing.
What’s hard about him – the gaslighting narcissist that he is – is how fucking deeply embedded into my brain he was able to get. When I’m stressed – when I’m feeling needy or something he would have told me was wrong – I play all of that bullshit over and over again in my brain. That I am not enough.
Each time I see him starting to get involved with someone who is weak due to a breakup, I cringe. I want to reach out and warn them. Don’t let him get into your head. I have watched him get into too many people’s heads. He presents as “a good guy” – and there are things about him that I did like. I say “did” because all the realizations of what he has done to people over the years has made me realize he is not a good guy. He is a broken guy. He is a fucked up guy. And everyone he meets get dragged down to his level without their realizing it.
What is his judge of a good kink scene?
Marks, his ability to do whatever he wants in it – and have no responsibility after (including aftercare that the bottom needs)
I just hope that as time goes on that his words stop coming into my head. It’s getting better – but there are times when I realize that I’m not there yet.