Tired

on

15hrs today.

5 hours yesterday thanks to the train ride from hell.

And during today, I had 3 issues from the office escalated to me while in a training.  The last time, I called my boss to tell him what needed to be done.

“So what do you want from me?”

His question dumbfounded me.  I’m 200 miles away.  I’m away from the team.  Shit is happening that is being escalated as though it is urgent.  And he emails me instead of walking 5 feet from his desk to get someone to handle it.

What do I want?

If this class has taught me things, it is why this shit bugs me.  I take on responsibility in ways most people do not.  Those who know me well can see this in my personal life.  Work life isn’t much different.  So when I vent. or when I check in because something is being escalated as though important, hearing “so what do you want from me” may as well be saying, “Why aren’t you handling this? I thought you could handle this? Why are you coming to me?”

In other words, the uber-responsible part of me is hearing “you aren’t being responsible enough.”

So this is how I end today – feeling like I’m not doing enough – like I’m not enough for my job.  May sound like a leap between the first and the second, but not in how my “too responsible” head works.

Let me give you some insight.  When I was 16, I played what I have been told was one of the best high school games of my high school years.  If you had asked me even after that game how I thought I had played, I would have told you it was my worst game of my entire high school softball career.  In fact, while my dad came to me after the game with a big grin on his face, I was walking away from the dugout pissed off at my performance.  He was like “OMG – that was your game, kid” – and I looked at him dead in the eyes and told him everything I did wrong.  Everything.  He stood there dumbfounded.

Then he looked at me – grabbed me by the shoulders – and pointed out how many runners I threw out when they tried to steal.  He pointed out how many RBIs I had that game.  Then reminded me that I hit in the winning run.

“But what about this pitch that I didn’t knock down?” I argued.

“You mean the wild pitch that no one could have knocked down? Are you kidding me?”

I stood there looking at him – noticing for the first time his expression of surprise at what I’m saying and how I’m pissed off – and finally wondered if I was fixated too much on what I didn’t do well so much so that I missed all of the things I did well.

Even that realization has never curbed my critique of myself.  Sometimes someone or something will stop me in my tracks.  Other times – like today – when I’m already feeling like I’m doing something not well enough – any comment just drives me further into my self-criticism.

Blah.

So this is how my day has ended.  My presentation I gave today went extremely well.  Like it ran long because people were so engaged.  I went from that high to this.

Fuck me.

I’m just tired.

What do you think?