That is my day today.
I have felt raw.
I woke up. And I just didn’t feel like the universe was right. I thought it was my sleep, but the feeling never left. I went off to take photos. I found a place that interested me and thought it would be a good place. It was also in the woods. I needed the energy of nature, so I thought maybe it would be the salve for my soul.
I walked into the woods – right at the entrance, and I felt the tears go down my face. I stopped, took off my sunglasses, and let the rain hit my face. I let the rain merge with my tears – unsure exactly where the tears were coming from. I tried to breathe in the energy from the trees – from nature. I tried to soak it in. And it helped. But fuck – it never took the edge off.
The rain subsided – and I was able to go explore. I still didn’t understand it all. Well, I had suspicions of what it could be.
I was getting too much silence. I was getting too much emphasis about how today was someone else’s day while, it was technically mine too – just not in those around me. Between that and some other things, I just felt raw. I wanted to run away. I wanted to just say “fuck everyone, I want my own cocoon of what I need”…..but sadly – that cannot be. No matter how much I long for it. No matter how much I long for what I want.
That raw feeling has never left today. The only time I felt okay was when we were all driving to have dinner with my in-laws. I was going almost 80mph – the music was good – and I was just feeling that moment of zen. And I was hating the fact I had to slow down – that the music would end. I just felt the urge to keep going.
Though, I know – that a road and music and all won’t fix it. Just feels like it may numb it for a while …