Raw

Raw.

That is my day today.

I have felt raw.

I woke up. And I just didn’t feel like the universe was right.  I thought it was my sleep, but the feeling never left.  I went off to take photos.   I found a place that interested me and thought it would be a good place.  It was also in the woods.  I needed the energy of nature, so I thought maybe it would be the salve for my soul.

I walked into the woods – right at the entrance, and I felt the tears go down my face.  I stopped, took off my sunglasses, and let the rain hit my face.  I let the rain merge with my tears – unsure exactly where the tears were coming from.  I tried to breathe in the energy from the trees – from nature. I tried to soak it in.  And it helped.  But fuck – it never took the edge off.

The rain subsided – and I was able to go explore.  I still didn’t understand it all.  Well, I had suspicions of what it could be.

Silence sucks.

Yeah.

I was getting too much silence.  I was getting too much emphasis about how today was someone else’s day while, it was technically mine too – just not in those around me.  Between that and some other things, I just felt raw.  I wanted to run away.  I wanted to just say “fuck everyone, I want my own cocoon of what I need”…..but sadly – that cannot be.  No matter how much I long for it.  No matter how much I long for what I want.

That raw feeling has never left today.  The only time I felt okay was when we were all driving to have dinner with my in-laws.  I was going almost 80mph – the music was good – and I was just feeling that moment of zen.  And I was hating the fact I had to slow down – that the music would end. I just felt the urge to keep going.

Though, I know – that a road and music and all won’t fix it.  Just feels like it may numb it for a while …

 

What do you think?

%d bloggers like this: