I was already in a weird place. Not sure why exactly. The day was good with some weird, but I’m good with good days with a side of weird.
I walked in and saw two people I knew. One, months ago, when I reached out to her when I sensed she was drowning (only to be brushed off) greeted me nicely. I held back because the whole experience left me feeling a bit odd. I mean, to care then get blown off because I cared only to hear how she didn’t feel like anyone cared. Uhm, yeah.
Another person and I have had good conversations before. He and I spoke about some recent gossip in the community – some changes that had negative impacts – some trends we both see. And it was nice. Then his partner showed up and he wandered away.
A guy I’ve played with and seem to have a good friendship with showed up. He had his submissive with him. She and I spoke a lot. It was a good conversation – and he and I spoke a lot and had good conversations – and we all three spoke a lot. It was good. It was fun.
It made me miss what I had.
Seeing their connection – seeing their interactions – well, I miss that connection.
Don’t get me wrong – I was happy for them. But when she commented to me how she couldn’t believe all of those times she was at the same place he was – and they never connected until this one time……well…..fuck……I knew that.
There are some days where things are good. Today it is a combo – good and sad.
I admire what others have – I smile – I laugh – but inside, I ache.
Then I get into my car and cry.
I read something in my reading that was saying how important it is that you have support. They spoke about the kind of support you need – and immediately, I thought about G and SB. Both of them. I thought about how both of them urged me to not just take any job with any company. They both wanted me to have less stress – and more happiness. They both wanted me to be whole – not stressed out and broken. Honestly – they were the only two.
I don’t know. Maybe that is part of my issue. Realizing that one is still actively in the game and the other is over there somewhere. Add into it the acute realization of what I am missing – that grounding – that directional reminder of what I really want and need – and, well, fuck.
I sit there and thing – “breathe, Emmy – breathe – it’s all ok….”
and I try to ignore those feelings that contradict it all – telling me it is now — there are missing parts…..missing parts of me……