Sometimes, I close my eyes and drift back to a time I got sleep.

Good sleep.

Not mediocre sleep. But sleep where I felt my body exhale – felt my soul sink into the situation – and I rested.

Many years ago, I read a book about a woman who had, after a long time away, returned to the Midwest.  She was both an outsider and an insider, and noticed almost immediately how there was a difference between rain and rain.  After she said that, she described why there was a difference.  And I understood.  One was a simple “it’s raining” – moisture is falling from the sky – no big deal.  The other is “rain”……you feel it inside you – it is moisture falling from the sky but it is more than that.  You feel it – you smell it  – it engulfs who are in a way where it isn’t one sense but many.

When I think rested, I feel the same way.

It is bigger than just sleep or calm and all – it is rested on many levels.

And to get that and feel it is a big deal.

In the past year, rested has not been what I am used to.

Rested before was not only a physical state but a mental one too.  It was something I felt on multiple levels.

I miss that.

Today, I know I slept but never feel truly rested as I used to feel.

There are times when I am in my bed.  I close my eyes.  I imagine I am elsewhere – I am back where I felt sleep – felt rested – felt safe.  I imagine that place – that person – and I try to embrace that and sleep.

Doesn’t always work.

But I try to thnk of the feelings and the smells and the sounds.  The warmth of the body that lets me rest.  The sounds.  The touch of our bodies wrapped together.

I wish it worked as well in my imagination as it does in reality.

Truly – I do……

…….yeah….I do……

……..in some cases, all it does is make me miss it all – him  – more than I realize.

But fuck – did I sleep well.

…………………..sigh…………………..