Sometimes, I close my eyes and drift back to a time I got sleep.
Not mediocre sleep. But sleep where I felt my body exhale – felt my soul sink into the situation – and I rested.
Many years ago, I read a book about a woman who had, after a long time away, returned to the Midwest. She was both an outsider and an insider, and noticed almost immediately how there was a difference between rain and rain. After she said that, she described why there was a difference. And I understood. One was a simple “it’s raining” – moisture is falling from the sky – no big deal. The other is “rain”……you feel it inside you – it is moisture falling from the sky but it is more than that. You feel it – you smell it – it engulfs who are in a way where it isn’t one sense but many.
When I think rested, I feel the same way.
It is bigger than just sleep or calm and all – it is rested on many levels.
And to get that and feel it is a big deal.
In the past year, rested has not been what I am used to.
Rested before was not only a physical state but a mental one too. It was something I felt on multiple levels.
I miss that.
Today, I know I slept but never feel truly rested as I used to feel.
There are times when I am in my bed. I close my eyes. I imagine I am elsewhere – I am back where I felt sleep – felt rested – felt safe. I imagine that place – that person – and I try to embrace that and sleep.
Doesn’t always work.
But I try to thnk of the feelings and the smells and the sounds. The warmth of the body that lets me rest. The sounds. The touch of our bodies wrapped together.
I wish it worked as well in my imagination as it does in reality.
Truly – I do……
……..in some cases, all it does is make me miss it all – him – more than I realize.
But fuck – did I sleep well.