When I came home last night from the munch, I realized something very important …..
….there was no food in the house.
G was off playing rugby. The girls had eaten all of the leftovers. I came home and realized there was nothing for me. In the end, I found something in the freezer and cooked it up.
This morning, I asked G about his night only to hear, “it was good until I came home and found nothing to eat – so I’m hungry this morning.”
The reality was simple. He wanted something easier than he found – but there were choices. But, especially after I found I didn’t have anything for my lunch, I felt bad.
I should have done the shopping. I should have made sure there were leftovers.
I should have done…..yeah…..
I went to work without lunch – with coffee – and without breakfast.
I was tired – and really just wanted to be back in bed. It’s been a long week. Sleep would be loved about now, but alas, I am no longer unemployed. Off to work I go.
I got to work, got more coffee, and put on my headphones. I just wanted to do my job and go home. No extra shit today. I wasn’t in a space to deal with that shit. Yeah. That lasted until I came back from the restroom and heard…..
“Emmy….come here please….”
Then I got my boss’s anxiety about so many things. I now from working with him that he just needs to say it out loud, then he will be fine. But fuck – I’m not in the mood to hear it today. And what I heard, “we need to talk and discuss some stuff.”
I should mention that I am a one-woman show right now. To make shit work the way shit should work is to have people in roles that, well, we do not have. So right now, I’m having to establish a cutline on things. I’m having to say, “look, this isn’t worth my time, so go just make it happen” instead of running it through a process that would go longer than just doing it would.
He didn’t like that.
When I could see his displeasure, I realized that it was going to be one of THOSE meetings.
But it got even worse if you will. The night before, he had a long talk with a very senior developer where the guy told him that introducing me changed his world. “I feel like I could lose my job at any time.” Realizing that maybe he wasn’t making them feel good enough, he was starting to try to distance himself from me. Intellectually, I got it. I knew what lead up the conversation he had with the senior developer. But fuck me – between his response to it – and the shit I was dealing with …..
Today was not the day for it.
I smiled and nodded. No point in doing anything more. He was projecting his shit onto me. I’ve dealt with worse. “I’ll schedule a meeting.” OK. Whatever. Do what you need to do. I’m not in the mood.
I left his office, sat down at my desk, then decided “fuck it – I’m going to find food.”
I’m not familiar with the area, so I got lost. I finally found the organic food store I was looking for, found some lunch, then headed back. I really was hoping that food would help.
It kind of helped.
I tried to just sit in my corner and be – but got pulled into a meeting. I finally left because it was something I didn’t need to be involved with. My cohort also in the meeting made the same comments I made about the meeting and things discussed. Nothing like looking at your cohort and wondering if he has a fucking clue or not. Let’s just say the things he was focused on doing are fucked up. Then when a real issue arises, his response is “we’ll have a stern talking to.” Eye roll.
I went to the meeting with the boss where he was like, “I’ve been thinking – I don’t want this to be the me-and-Emmy show. I’ll be back.” He left to get other people. He brought them into the meeting – and 3 hours later, we were done. This is where I should mention that there was nothing new in the meeting. It was 3 hours of my life I won’t get back.
And it was 3 hours where I realized that he isn’t understanding that the model he would love to see isn’t constrained by my understanding of all they went through in the past to get there, but by the fact the current company is not there yet. We need to start the process. We know what will happen. We know it will get there. We just have to LET IT GET THERE. Sadly, I wasn’t in a place where I could articulate that.
And given how I was feeling?
A failure as a mom who isn’t making sure the kids have food in the house for anything but leftovers.
A failure as a spouse who isn’t making sure there is food for my busy husband to eat.
A failure to me.
I won’t even get into the failure I feel about the house and it’s unclutteredness.
Then I look ahead – to the shit coming up …..and yeah….
what am I doing?
Today was a day I know happens but I did not need.
I wasn’t in the mood for.
While I hear acolates and encouragement from so many, today I wasn’t feeling it.
I felt like a juggler who couldn’t keep her balls in the air.
Not a good feeling