Another day, another death.

Sigh.

Today it is Debbie Reynolds –

(This is the video BTW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqsrVQfNYPc)

I would ask who is next, but I’m afraid to guess.

I’m afraid to ask.

What a weird situation – good and bad – surprise, life and otherwise.

While I was at the munch tonight, I got a phone call. Upon seeing who it was, I decided that I needed to return it.  I excused myself, went outside, and returned the call.

A former cohort of mine became CIO for a small local company about 10 weeks ago.  He told me a month after being hired, he was going to do what he could to get me hired. I heard three weeks ago that his budget had been approved – he was going to try to open the position to hire me into it.  He created it with me in mind.  Today, he called to check in and tell me they were opening the position in 5 days (per policy).  He was going to bring me straight in for an interview.  Barring anything big, the job was mine.

I would be back in management. I would be defining how thing will work.  I would be not a slave to the policy but the creator of it.  “Do you have any other leads?” he asked me.  I told him that there was no way I could – I learned in the last 4 years that I am not a minion; I am a leader.  I won’t want to be in charge.  I want to be a #2.  But I cannot be a follower.  “You are not asking me to follow – you are asking me to define the future and make it happen — I am all yours!”

I honestly haven’t been as excited about a position until now.  Is there another job?

Fuck no.

What is one thing that 2016 has taught me? Besides to not hold onto idols?

It is not to settle.

For anything.

Not jobs.

Not relationships.

Not friendships.

Not anything.

I want meaningful.

I want influential.

I want the ability to weigh in and course correct.

I want happiness.

I don’t want stress just for the sake of stress.

I don’t want bullshit just for the sake of bullshit.

I want good stress.

And I want creativity.

And joy.

And, did I mention, happy.

Tonight at the munch, I learned a lot. I learned that I was far from the “in crowd”.  At one point, they were all talking about a party that all was invited to – except me – and I just shook my head.  I knew why I was not invited. I didn’t really care.  But felt it was bad form to talk about a party w/out everyone being invited.

Sigh.

I listened to two different people argue about poly.  Only to realize both were right in their one situations – but yet they both argued trying to gain support for their positions. Yeah, that was fun.

At one point, I was caught sitting at a table with four guys who were all just fucking oblivious.  They asked why I had stepped away for a call – heard it – then took it as an invite to prove they had a bigger technology dick than me.  Dudes, I don’t fucking care how big you think your tech dick is.

Thankfully, my night ended with a conversation with an IT geek (who is also a rope geek) who told he about his 8-month voluntary unemployment.  It was funny to have the same feelings – the same stories.  Both of us felt we were in the same position for the same reason.  It was interesting talking about all of that with someone in the same boat.

I don’t know. I told G yesterday how sick I was of superficial.  How sick I was of realizing people just wanted a “it’s good” and not wanting the truth.  I explained that regardless of what I feel or what I need – that I spend a lot of time just delivering what the person wants to hear, not what I need to say.  Honestly, no one in my world knows the truth of what is happening and how I feel. I don’t really trust them to either understand or react in a way that leaves me feeling OK with it.  “How fucked up is that,” I asked?

It is fucked up.

So much is happening. And my 2016 realization is how many people cannot handle it in the right way.

For me, that’s what the year has taught me.

Trust nothing.

Even if you want to.

Don’t trust it will go your way –

Don’t believe it.

It’s fucked up –

Handle it yourself.